༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2021-02-17 19:36:09 (UTC)

Meltdown

Heading to bed early.

Was an extremely rough few hours.

Had a meltdown/anxiety attack during the first appointment. So they ended it early.
Had the second one, and have some things I need to do, but don’t feel like starting those tonight.

I’m drained. In all aspects.

Fixed some salmon. Ate 4 1/2 ounces of it.
Bought some diabetic fruit bars, flipping awesome, and had one of those, and had a yogurt.

Ended up chatting with DD1 for a bit, called to see how the appointment went, it’s actually tomorrow, I thought it was today, so chatted anyway about different things, and then the boss called and DD1 called right back, said theres some stuff to do for work and I would talk again tomorrow after the appointment so I know how things went, and that was that. Said good night, love you, later.

DD1 also says later, instead of bye, which is groovy. Bye is so final and formal. I can’t stand it. Later, leaves that option open to speak again.

DD1 never knew my brother and mom had passed till today. We really hadn’t talked much till the other night and we ended up talking about my ex, my current, and my son. So today was more talking of my appointments than anything since the their appointment is tomorrow....and I struggled a ton today.

They did prescribe me a stronger pill for the next few nights (2mg Xanax) to see if it helps me relax to sleep. So will be taking that with my usual 730 medications. I pray it knocks my ass out. I’m to take 1/2 in the morning if I’m still shaking and having the issues I’ve been having, extreme shaking, heaviness on my chest, light headed / high feeling in my head and can’t focus. Was that way Saturday, then yesterday and today.

They are going to start me on Buspar next week.


I have to make a trigger list. And figure out solutions and code words for those triggers. They didn’t like the fact 2 weeks ago I started a “painting to go kit” but figured out what started the need for that, and have to work on a “ TS to go bag” trauma support, of things to side track when I’m in that fight/flight mode. JL is going to send a gift my way that worked 4 years ago, light up fidget spinner, and it’s pink....like the one I had. Ended up giving it to my grandson because I didn’t think I’d ever need it again. So I have that coming tomorrow with a box of stuff from Terra, and more paperwork to sign, date, fill out. I did manage to get one packet complete today, just have another to go, and a new one tomorrow.

Moved my Monday appointment to Wednesday, 1:00 and will only do the guided meditation and stop the acupressure for now. I can’t do the acupressure myself, and I’m not relaxed enough so it hurts. So will postpone it for now till we can get me on enough proper medications to relieve some mental stress I’m battling. And it’s a ton.
Nothing I care to get into tonight. Already have a headache and my body is still physically sick from my meltdown earlier. Last time I had a meltdown like today was when I seen Amy, and she was prying into a hornets nest she had no business getting into and I literally curled up, rocked back and forth, hitting my head, saying I can’t do this over and over. JL did apologize for her inability to understand nor be compassionate about everything I’m attempting to push through and deal with all at once. He promised that with Dr A it will be different.

I also need to get back into writing positives, even if simple things, because right now, I’m questioning myself completely in all aspects of life. Blaming myself for things, and literally have zero faith in myself. Too much is going through my mind and I don’t have the proper ability to get out of my head and need help. JL suggested he could send my current some information so he could help when I have my triggers that I’ve failed to mention just because of my feelings on things. I said I can ask, all I can do.

We discussed my ex, the threat, the rapes, something I didn’t wanna discuss. But when the topic arose, he remembered things I stated months ago, and put two and two together and asked if it happened, and apologized he didn’t figure it out back when I stated I was scared of him and things were getting squirrelly. He assumed like me, that his participation in my treatment was legit.....he said it’s hard to see through people who have mastered manipulation, which was the case because he never delt with any emotions/feelings in his life the past 10 years. The death of his daughter was an example, because he went to work the next day and continued on like nothing happened.

*deep sigh*

I’ve cried more in 2 days than I have in 20 years I’m sure. My eyes were swollen shut this morning. I look like ultimate hell.

I did get to town, paid my late rent, forgot to get a receipt, but will get it next month.

I did get 1/2 the kitchen cleaned.

I did get to the pharmacy for medications.

Told my son he’s going to help me Saturday morning, and he said “we aren’t going this weekend??” I explained, no, that he has things he wants to do, like his side by side and his prime rib and the offer never came up, so we are going to do things here. He was disappointed but said “ok” So I’m going to get up early, do what I can while I can, if it’s not snowing, and crawl back into bed and medicate and sleep while he chills on his games.

I also, did my nails today. It’s not a professional job, but will keep me from picking and they look pretty decent. Only bad thing.....I started my scratching habit. Something I did in my sleep many years ago. Would wake up with bloody sheets from scratching my legs up in my sleep. So something else I need to pay attention to.

I sent Penny the 4 chapters and the mother letter so when my appointment comes next Wednesday, she has an inkling of what I’m trying to overcome since I only seem to have the ability to trust and verbally communicate with JL and my current. Even DD1 has no clue of my life history.

DD3 asked for a new nickname. Guess that’s cool. Deserves something special since all the DD are kinda in the same category......

So, DD3 will become P.I.P.
Not what he was looking for, but, in my eyes, it’s fitting.

It’s 8pm, I am late taking my medications, and the new one....

So, with that, am saying good night, I love you (to someone special), drive safe, enjoy the night, and I have no clue how I will sleep, and no clue what time I will wake up. I’m normally up between 4-5am. Not sure with the new medication.

My chest is hurting. Heart rate is 146 currently.....my heads splitting, and my eyes feel like they are swelling shut again....

I hope to be asleep within an hour.

💋Pinky


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