Nicole

THE DOWNFALL OF MY MENTAL HEALTH
2021-02-16 22:51:26 (UTC)

Everything sucks I want to die ..

Everything sucks I want to die honestly nothing matters no one will ever leave me and I’m probably going to die alone might as well get it done do I even matter I’m just wasting up space I’m doing the world s favour since I was a mistake anyway In all honesty, i feel like my life would be so much easier if i was astounding at something. like if i was beautiful, or an amazing musician, or really funny. i just wish i had something that made me special I’ve drifted so far from myself that I don’t even know what I want anymore Some people find me a good listener, but the truth is I just have nothing to say. I fucking need a break from life and everyone just having to deal with myself every day is exhausting. sometimes i think it’d be easy to just disappear for the good of everyone. i can’t cause any more pain for anyone else though in a time like this so i can’t. especially for you. i need a hard reset for my brain. i find solace in the fact that the world will keep spinning when i die. God I’m dying I’m always in a zombie like state the day goes by in a blur I’m always so tired no matter how much I sleep it is tiring... can I just die already I’m already rotting everything hurts I don’t feel alive anymore I spend more time wishing I was asleep than sleeping maybe if i slice myself open i’ll be able to find the purity i lost long ago i always make things worse i don’t want to be bad anymore I wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to feel this pain over and over again Blood rushes from my veins and yet no matter how much I bleed out I still can't bleed you out of me There's nothing I can do about this now why does everybody always leave me behind I don't think I really want to get better whats the point if youre just going to leave like everyone else? I don't want to be rejected this way, so I push people away and I'm just hoping I don't cry myself to sleep. I'm so stupid. sometimes it gets 2AM and everything gets just a little bit harder. i want to be okay but i don’t know how. i want to run but i have nowhere to go. I keep crying all the time, and I just don't know how to stop it Tears just burst out like a faucet and I can’t turn it off I cry untill I pass out do you guys even care about me anymore? did you even care in the first place? I already forgot how love feels like. And, empathy is just hard for me to feel. I can fake it, but. I really don't feel anything. I can barely even tell what makes me happy and what doesn't anymore. I just feel. hollow. empty. people are getting tired of dealing with my sadness and i don't blame them i feel this glowing fire that sits within me, but i am so tired and much too empty to make something of it I'm sick of being used and accused I don't think it's normal for me to look like I've been crying all night every time I wake up. every time you mention them my insecurities root deeper and deeper I’m doing people a service by hiding who I am if I told the truth id only be a burden nothing is getting better and i want to cry 24/7, why am i still hurting? why cant i make you happy liked i used to? i crave my death day more than my birth day I’m so tired of living, I’m so tired that it hurts im so sick of feeling like my entire being is a burden to others. i just want it to go away. i just want to be wanted. Sometimes I wonder if I really do matter, if everything I do means something to another. Even if it did, it feels like everything I do just causes a problem and I’m a disaster that burdens anyone I get close to.


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