heaaadddacheeeees been awhile since i've written in my diary. a fly flew inside my nose and i'm in the middle of a near-death experience. It reminded me of my old world, my motto that time was to live as if I was dying. I think I know how to get to my old self: 1st is to be suicidal 2nd is to convince myself i'm a masochist 3rd is to wake up at night 4th is coffee and there you go disconnection from the world, but I really feel alive those times then I started waking up in the morning and go around "fixing" my life. never worked. so how do I feel right now? I think i've discovered my second awakening lmao, something that feels so good, I don't really crave for anything anymore except for that and I know I wasn't just being edgy about it. It's my fate. Gonna determine that now lmao.