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2021-02-15 17:06:36 (UTC)

I thought I set my last entry ..

I thought I set my last entry to private. [Edit: it's private now.] I suppose the tags have helped give it relative popularity. Ya perverts.

Should I 'Dear Reader' this entry? Meh what of it.

I looked over my chat history with Lot, mainly looking for horny stuff, but then I came across something really touching. Seems I was having a really hard time around September (and ofc now I totally remember why)

(And now I'm randomly thinking about the 2nd-to-last time I took morphine and wondering if J found it hot that I was so...anyways.)

So anyways I was fully in I'm-worthless-and-want-to-die mode - I suppose a lot of people where somewhere along the same lines though, am I right? Shout-out to Rona! - and he was really nice about it, telling me my good qualities.

I feel like I was going to write about something else specific. IDK. Hungry rn.

I've been crying a bit today. Just shedding a few tears now and then, reading or thinking over things.

I think I'm starting to feel more forgiving towards James, and by extension, towards myself. I think he opened something in me that kind of needed opening, as painful as it has been.
I'm not going to say that I needed to know what it feels like to hurt someone who was completely (at the time) blameless, because that's the sort of thing someone trying to justify their abuse would say, but it has been a learning experience.
IDK if that sentence would even make sense to someone else.
I know what I mean though.

I'm tired again.

What I mean is that, everyone else who I've loved and hurt, I was reacting to something. James was purely a victim of my stupidity, my carelessness. And it still hurts to think about, and it should.

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