If I die today
whats the sound of a clear mind?
So well first things first before I forget. SO this morning woke up natraully around 4 give or take a few minutes but around 410 I figured well might as well read and pray/write. So I got into rev 15 as I exspected but then I mistakenly read matthew 6 instead of mark 6. I never went back and read Mark . Then so I was writing and my bible was still open and the pages kept flipping backwards but like in small groups I figured I was elbowing it or the bed was moving but it stopped on a page starting with proverb 1:30 ending the next page in proverb 3:6. Im unsure how seriously to take this but I have a lot on my mind and I do believe in angels and well I also belive theres an enemy too who wouldnt love to confuse or distract me. Proverbs 3 the whole chapter plays a big role in how I came to know the LORD and it gave me endurance it goes back to my days of being a baby "christian'. Ndea left around 7 last night and I was tired a very slight headache too but nothing that I couldnt bear but I decided to make food which was nessary just reheated speghetti and take a flexerial and as I was laying there sorta watching TV i was thinking about why soberity is important and my nerves were racked a bit bc lets say God did speak to me right then last night how would I know its not the medicine? How can I discern that and also see I'm content that I didnt drink yesterday but it was so tempting see all I woulda had to do was suggest it and man I wanted to but I know nDea was sore tired and the snow is kickin his ass with work ... and also it wouldnt have been good for him and I dont want to put him in another hangover. Poor man really doesnt drink as well as me but he enjoys drinking with me so even thou we were right in the store I didnt even go down that isle not to sound self righteous but I olny didnt bc him I dont want him to suffer a bad choice with me. I dont know thou my mind is bothering me. So my coffee grinder is broke and ok weather me or the grinder IDK but I think its the grinder so theres coffee beans all over my floor bc the lid comes off now while I grind plus the icemelt that comes in with the snow. OMG and my vaccum is ineffecient its the cheaper verison of a rhomba or whatever the teop robot is. Also well my man made himself cozy on my f'ing floor again bc my bed was oout so he just sits on the freagin footstool of my cordary bed with his back against the corday "beand bag chair" its a full size nest.. So anyhow I'm frustrated and pissed off upset embarassed everything I do is wrong substandard inaquate unacceptable. I'm seriously thinking about getting rid of my bed all together tommorw I will put it up I'm not exspecting that nDea will spend any amount of time here today since well he has his work cut out I think we gained 4 inches of snow. So I'm thinking once I pick up my ned tommorow morning just sleep on the couch and guess thats my life least I can be hopstitable. OMG we looked at vaccums yesterday too freakin lightweight stick vaccums noone understands my problem or need with the floor. I freakin hate my brain. I cant exsplain myself to anyone. I feel like a failure and I'm embarassed and ashamted at how my mind works. I cant hide it thou . Its awful being akward and everything is frustrating for me things that noone knows and man so I yelled yesterday not at him but towards him trying to freakin exsplain you dont know what its like bc even when my bed is up people cant find a place to sit in my house. EVerything I do is wrong. People want to wash my dishes or vaccum for me as if i'm incapable or that that was the issue. I'm too poor to buy a new dishwasher. I'm too poor to refurninsh my place. I dont work for money Im not going to get a bonus from ssd or anything so not like I have a ton of options but I'm sick of being me and I feel like I cannot properly express this is not the life I desired to offer. I did come to one conclusion that well Ndea is almost a generation older than me 18years so should we live together well I gotta think old age reterminement furnishier. . This is all like functional things I have problems with dont even get me started on the level the world is evil and were under attack and our shit is hurting us such as I really dont want a spring mattress metal conducts electricty and we are electrical beings. Anyhow long story there but a glimpse into my mind. I guess if I die today I really do kinda want people to know the inner turmiol of whatever my disfunction is. Also I have some leg pain again I cant decide what the problem is but my calf hurts but I dont know if its from my hips or the actual calf or maybe a blood clot? Idk . I have a desire for some sort of soberitiy bc I do want to be able to know the LORD and hear him clearly. I also want to be able to function. It sucks I just feel like I dont contrubiute anything to this world and I dont know how too I'm in a visious loop. I gotta dig myself out this hole