nin137

Nick's Journal
2021-02-13 18:34:26 (UTC)

What Dreams May Come

I dreamt about her again last night. my ex-wife, Juliann. all dreams with her in them make me sad. they make me sad either because I am hurting her with my drinking or because we are happy. I don't know which are worse.

last night was one of the ones in which we were happy together. in the dream, she was with someone else. and I was vaguely pursuing her. the dream is already hazy in my mind, a good bet that I am already repressing it as much as I can. I feel so sad right now. so unbearably sad. I'm trying to distract myself from my sadness.

in the past I would drink away the sadness (or any other emotion for that matter). just don't feel anything. that is preferable to feeling something. especially when that emotion is sadness. sadness that is buoyed by the guilt you feel because it is all your fault. because of your drinking behaviour your lost a relationship you treasured. sadness mired in guilt.

the one part in the dream that I do remember distinctly is that we were sitting at a wooden picnic table, outside somewhere surrounded by others (including the guy that she had been with). I am holding her in my arms and she is nuzzling her head into the crook of my neck as she used to do when we read together on the couch or when we were out together on a cold night. her hair caresses my face. I think I can smell it in the dream. I see the silver strands that she has in her hair. a sign that I have been wit her a long time as I can remember when her hair was black as a raven's feathers.

at this point in the dream the surrounding dream environment takes on that distorted characteristic that you see when the camera pans in closely on one person, leaving out of focus the rest of the scene. we are alone. just the two of us. and then she says: "I forgive you. I know you didn't mean it. I love you. You are the only one I've ever truly loved and I want to be with you again."

and we sit like that for a long time, this I guess. and then we get up and walk off together, this I guess. but I am so terribly sad and alone right now, this I know.




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