Experienced Life
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2021-02-12 17:45:48 (UTC)

Seeing things in a different light 🕯

So, now that I blew out my Mac keyboard, the "e" seems to work ok now. I'm still starting to think maybe it's time for a new laptop. I had this Mac since Dec 2013 so it's lasted a long long time. The new MacBook has their own processor specific to the Mac so it'll work way better I'm sure. Or, just deal with this and maybe just swap the keyboard if it acts up again. Seems ok for now.

Anyway,since I'm able to type again with eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hehe. I want to write something that's happening to me and I feel it's a little strange. I have past memories of my past relationships. Some bad, some good. When the good pops up, I'd eventually see the end of that relationship and see how bad it was and the memories that pop in would bother me. Just the same as it'd bother everyone else. My solution to myself was to overwrite those memories. Like when I went kayaking with my ex gf at Amador lake, it was a fun day. I caught a few fishes and tied them to my stringer. We kayaked till the clouds were looking like it was going to rain. So we paddled back in. Didn't make it back in time before the rain so we were in a little bit of "speed mode" packing the kayaks back, and putting our stuff away. She grabbed my stringer of fish and was going to remove them from the stringer and put it in the cooler. Well, she started to scream a cute stifled sort of scream. I asked her what's up and she said the fishes were still alive. So we were both kinda laughing. It was raining at that point and were were still in the back of the suv loading stuff up and me watching her squirm and shriek as she's putting the fishes in the cooler. It was cute and in the rain, we just stood there almost not caring about anything and we started kissing in the rain. It was a nice day. Day's like those used to bug me because either I'd miss her or just knowing we failed in keeping our relationship together.

It took me awhile before I could go back to that lake. But I have since then and I find I don't need to overwrite memories like that anymore. I can now look at that and just see that as a page in life. It came and went. No one's fault really. But it doesn't have to effect me badly and I shouldn't have to fear remembering times like that. So now, it doesn't. I don't know exactly why to be honest. I am working on self awareness and self improvement. Could be going to the gym causing happy chemicals to be in me constantly. Could be my praying at church not to find the love of my life, but to just live life with peace in my heart. Maybe I was granted that prayer. Anyway, I feel like I took one more step up to being a better person. sorta :)

Even my ex wife. Now that's a big reach since I always been saying she is the devil. haha. But I recall back in the past, we'd be singing karaoke at home and she'd sing the Song "American Woman" with a twist. She is Mexican so she'd swap out the words American with Mexican and with her Spanish accent. I thought it was funny and we did have fun at times. But now, even those memories of the past is ok for me to accidentally recall. I no longer harbor any ill will toward my ex wife. None also to my ex gf. I don't even have any ill will towards Blue Faye and she was a weird one for sure. But I'm guessing she is like that and who knows how other people suffered in their past? So yeah, even her shot time with me is now ok to recall with no anger or any ill will.

Again, I don't know why exactly this kicked in. I do't think I hit my head hard anytime recently so who knows? Maybe that last talk I heard from a speaker about how a bag of cash ends up being conterfeit. Would I research how couterfeit money was made? How my plans to spend that money is now shot to hell? No, of course I wouldn't. I just know I've reached a deeper peace now and I'm not going to wonder why so much. Just gonna enjoy the moment and keep myself on track to stay positive and improve myself.

For now, I'm gonna do some clothing improvement so I can hit that winery tonight looking cool. Gonna be cold too so I'm going to wear my Parfum de Marly Godolphin. Smells like leather and tobacco. Not the smoking tobacco but the smell of tobacco before it's lit. I like it.

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