Solitary Reaper

Empty From Inside
2021-02-12 19:17:48 (UTC)

Vivid

Yesterday night I finally cutoff the last string which held me to my past. I told the guy I was dating that I was with him just to keep him alive and support him in his depression that I can't keep pretending that I love him. Not anymore. I'm still unsure whether I ever loved him, what I did for him was an act of love or just sympathy which I had from my school time.
Or I did loved him but his personality and condition pushed me away and ended the bond we had. I still don't know what love is, what it feels like to love someone to the point where losing them will be equal to dying. I told him a vague out of the blue reason and he seemed to accept it, but he kept saying that I ended his life, aims, dreams everything. I took his sole purpose and reason of living from him. Did I really done that, should I feel guilty for his failure, or that he tried loving me soo much but his love has never reached my heart. Why is that when I see everyone having frnds, a lover I feel nothing but the opposite of a general person. Like in that situation a person with nothing would usually be jealous and deeply desires that he should also have frnds, they wish for someone to be their lover, to love them and I feel like I don't need any. I want to be left alone, no frnds, not even some acquaintances. I sometimes wish, if I can just get mixed with air and seizes to exist for everyone. I want everyone who one's hold me dear to forget me as I cannot keep up with them. I never want to meet them, see them, or hear from them.

I'm somehow feeling very light as I told him to end our relation, even though the reason I gave was pretty vague but it worked and it was the safest of all.