Nicole

THE DOWNFALL OF MY MENTAL HEALTH
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2021-02-11 20:39:38 (UTC)

I’m exhausted. Right to my ..

I’m exhausted. Right to my very core. I’m so tired of having to wake up and find the light each morning. For once, I want to not have to try. To wake up and have it be right there. I hate that I have to be positive each day as a form of survival, I want to be positive because I love life not because it’s the only way I can bear being here. I want to love not in spite of but because of. Because. Just because. why do i keep having a hard time after a hard time after a hard time after a hard time can i ever just be. as i am naturally. without overexerting myself to do the most basic things. Sometimes I go through my own entires thinking wow this person is insane.. I just wish my emotions would quiet down when i go out I know I’m not in control but this is how it has to be I know no matter how much or how deep it’ll never be enough. It’ll never reflect how I feel. It’ll never encompass what I deserve. I say I want to die but I just want another life. I really want to escape, everything’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. I hate everything I am, who I was and who I will be. I deserve to die. I hate everything I have done. I will always be disgusted by myself. Hatred scars me. I long for happiness I haven’t felt it in years the last time I remember being happy when I was 9 my mom bought me a bunch of chocolate after school and I got to get ice cream too.. i can’t deal with this disgusting rot inside of me. it’s always been there, i don’t know where it came from, and it will never go away. this rot makes me a burden on everyone i meet so i’m better off staying alone.


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