If I die today
its 9oclock somewhere
A bit slow today. Im not planning on starting my day till 9. I did wake up at 4am and tried some prayer time it was pathetic thou and I was exhausted so I was back alsleep by 430 till about 7. I'd like to finish watching threes company this episode that I have on then pull up living on a dime and keep drinking coffee and then have a classical stretch workout. I dont think its a good idea to day antyihg high impact today. I took 1 1mg melation slow release last night about 815ish after nDea left. WE did go grocery shopping after a 4oclock ish coffee that I had made in the press . If I die today for him I would want him to be free I would like him to have his own life free of the daughter of his mother as far having bounderies. I think cares about her and whatever if thier friends and whatnot I still belive he deserves to live free and that theres some sorta mental emotional disfunction within them living together and her manitplation but I'm not there and I dont know how innconcet he really is I olny know what he tells me and I trust him I know he's faithful its just that I dont know what I dont know. Right now its obivous he's stressed and hirting and in my opionion he is being taken adavage of by her it has been a month and she has still not asked her caseworker for help finding a place .. anyhow I have alot of thoughts and I just think its not healthy and he needs to have baounderies with her . ok so I've not been feeling perfect for days and my diet has been off but also I'm sexually active its olny been like 2 weeks but we wiated while he was recovering and healing bc he was having some problems. and well in 2017 I was diagnosied with a "new" HSV infection after TY left then they couldnt determine if I had 1 or 2 then I switched doctors in 2019 for my last surgery and they said well they-- by they I mean the nurse or assistant whoever she is says that I do not have it but now I wonder again. Maybe I do and maybe its making me feel this exhausted even thou I have other things going on its possible right? nDea already knows this and bc well he had problems and wanted to tell me that we werent gonna have sex last month and so we pretty much have each others medical histories. He was not alarmed by what I told him that I was diagnoisied thenundiaganoised.. I also had the knee thing. then theres the diet factor and bloating and blah blah and the sex well its been sasifying but it is a workout I sweated yesterday and that was after grocery shopping and all that too so I was already mentaly spent. so Idk whats up with my body and i'm afraid to suggest to anyone general fatugue but that sends out c-19 flagging and I cant have that i cannot deal with that bullshit. IF I die i die toodla but I'd rather not be demonized and crimialed. By the way a KNOWN side effect of the vacacines going around is male inferitly. People, do you notknow what that means...infertily no more reproduction as GOD intended. Come on... think about it we are a dying breed this is the death sentece for humainty. well not the but A. Anyhow also I ate peaches the other day from a fruit cup but I've also started putting my heating pad on my belly daily and digestion is making progress but this morning I had hemp oil and last night i had melation so no matter what itll be hard to rule out either or on those since I'm on both. I really dont know what to do with my day other than clean the bathroom and put away my nonperhisable. but Im taking things slow I"m tired sore n blah. It is supposed to snow tonight into tommorw than we are in for a few more layers of snow as well so IDK. We will see how this grocery trip changes my health having the fresh varitey of foods on hand. Time with yLindsey was good yesterday I didnt feel like aburden and her daughter was cute but it was literally just check mail and run back i didnt ask for much else . I think after my ring is sized and here I will tell her that I really dont need weekly errands but maybe make arragements as friends. IDK how to budget fast food or whatever but i mean i cook for my man why not L? Anyhow I understand that my bit about sharing in mark 3 about a kingdom divided and that it made me feel like its has something to do with US yesterday was kinda a bit confusing and senseless but Im hoping that GOD has a purpose in my life and I really would like to find my way to redeem the time. I feel stuck today still feel isolated . Also I dont wanna die with the whole boyfriend situation appearing like this. Id rather die free of ty and compelety remarried and right now my sites are on nDea and Id like to think that thats my final stop but I've been a fool before. I jsut dont want my life to be this foolish scheme. I dont want to be remevbered as this needy insane desprate person. OOO speaking of insainty ok I did pray about the leasing office and this dam issues with the recipet she came by in person and corrected it at 240ish yesterday the office closes at 3 but I'll take it. I think im okay now at peace with it but I wonder her motives but I cannot do that I really want to care about this lady and find some good in her and in reality lets face it I'm quite a character and the things I have to express get mixed up and are sometimes not within everyones logical thinking and well at times I'm wrong. but I happen to know the owners will be here this morning and suspect thats her only motivation for fixing that recpiet but I will do my best in the future to specifally ask for a recpiet stating please give me a recpier for X dates. Maybe thatll help. I'm actually wanting her to quit but also been trying to pray more about the spirtis behind whatever is happening here and I want to want HIS will and maybe he's using her here? IDK but she can't be evil right? so no need to hate the office manager I suppose. Allrighty well I think thats about it all I have pressing on me I have a small stash of savings and lets say that is revealed onve I pass I literally dont have any desire for it yet I have no designated destition so I'm hoping I dont go before I figure out what to do with anything Id leave behind bc Id want to leave blessing not burden and beleive me as far as cahs its small its a sneeze nothing to blink at but still someone without a penny might find refuge and its enough for a crackhead to steal to get thier next fix and I dont want that. Oh Guess what the guy thats squating with the birdseye view // I dk how else to exsplain it its an apartment full of freeloaders the actuall tentant it was leased to is in imprison and has been for months. Anyhow this dude registed this adress for his location as a sex offender or least was trying to yesterday fantastic .. It does sorta support a single women thou in this appartment has valide fear for saftey weather hes guilty or innconcent which I think hes guilty bc of how he interacted with me previously its still concerning. I do think im in a dangerous place and my weoponery will not help me bc Ill freze and cry or be decieved into something yeah never know. but its still nice to have. Alright I better make today happen
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