hello hello my diary
It's been awhile since i've kept in touch with my feelings, I honestly don't know what I feel anymore. It's more of like a character i'm trying to portray more than me being myself. It's not really much of a worry until i'm with someone, like if I really care for someone which is rare, I try to give them the best company but maybe I have encountered such a fresh and distinct type of interactivity, y'know that type of relationship where I need to be kept in touch with my feelings. I feel confusion most of the time, I mean I know what I feel but it's this stream of anxiety that's making me unsure of what I feel. I'm scared of the future me that's why the present me just don't say anything. BUT I SHOULDDDDDD I don't wanna dissociate no more.
I'm scared of sober people, ok hear me out, humans feel sadness or the neutralness more than happiness in their entire lives, that's why happiness is something so precious blahblahblah but there's a way to cheat it out, which is drinking, drugs or jerking off. So idk how they can be neutral for a very long time, they must feel some kind wanting to relieve something, right? Some personal experience, the most dangerous people i've ever met are sober, they don't feel guilty even if they do something wrong. I mean I really don't feel like human unless i've drunk some coffee. I can be sober alone but not with society, they just get something I don't lol. What if the way we see the world back then is different from the way things are now, like world is more static back then but now it's more (hyper?). What if we're more of animals trying to become humans. The world is just too fast for me sometimes, that's why I need coffee. can you believe I drank 3 cups of coffee now and It do be still feeling inadequate, maybe i'll drink more and piss off some strangers again lol. One goal I have is getting that da vinci body, the one with the circle with the man doing the t-pose. yeah that one. that man is gonna be replaced by me because i'm gonna be perfect too perfect that I would get booted off this program because I'm too much of a code like a code that has never been coded yet. oh god i'm so meta. If you like someone and don't like them the other day, was it just an act of not wanting to get hurt? or was it an act of you being stupid to not know your own feelings. IDDDDK. I want someone to piss on me too. straight in my mouth. I'm not making any sense now. FUck.