Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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2022-07-01 13:19:03 (UTC)

July 2022 (1)

FRIDAY, JULY 1, 2022

I’m going to be sending Galileo a message letting them know I’ve been doing well as far as anxiety goes and am starting just one 75 a week, with the rest being 88. While I’m at it, I’m going to mention the fatigue. I’ll explain that I’ve been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep more often, not waking up refreshed most days, and see what they say.

It’s strange how I could sleep 8 hours two days ago and felt tired the first few hours of my day while I just got up from 5 hours of sleep and I feel more rested.

I love it when I remember enough of my dreams to write about them, even if they’re not good. Tom and I were living in a tiny house somewhere. There was just one room on one side and a bathroom and a kitchenette on the other. I slept on a twin bed along the back wall and he had a twin bed along the side wall.

A young woman in her 20s or 30s that we had met previously came to the door while he was asleep. I let her in, even though I wasn’t sure I liked her very much. She just didn’t seem all there. She stayed briefly and then returned later. At this time, she lay down on my bed and pulled the comforter over her head. Then she started nonstop rambling about everything and nothing. I could clearly see she was bipolar, paranoid, and delusional. At one point she mentioned something about having to train me. Sick of listening to it and having no tolerance for the mentally ill any more than rude people, I said I had been up since 4 in the morning and asked her to leave, which she did.

I also had a dream about Johnson for the first time in ages. She and I were having a friendly chat and she told me she would marry me in 10 to 15 years. She knew I was still with Tom and in her mind, she may have thought he would be gone then.

Realizing she never told me her first name as she was walking away, I called out “Rachel!” to see if she would turn around. She didn’t, though.

Too bad I could never find her on Facebook. I don’t harbor any hard feelings anymore and I would love to say hello and see how her life has been even though I’m sure she wouldn’t reply whether or not she blocked me. I realize that as far as her blowing me off, that’s just how people are, not that people shouldn’t keep their word unless they have a good excuse not to.

I’ve only heard the dog once in the last few days, but I think that’s because I haven’t been around in the mid-afternoon to early evening when it seems to be heard the most. I heard a few barks yesterday, but nothing too loud or annoying. Still dread it when the weather cools down and people open their windows. I know I’m gonna hear the damn thing bark every time someone goes into the kitchen and it gets all excited in anticipation of being fed or when someone comes to the door or they go out somewhere and leave the mutt home.

My nails aren’t quite as sensitive after what I suspect was a chemical burn from the gel remover, but I do have discoloration. Not the yellow and brownish discoloration I had from the fungus, but more like a red irritated look. It extends from the middle of the nails to the tips. Hopefully, it will grow out and I’ll be as good as new again. I’m not doing anything else to my nails for a while.

Mrs. Twenties still says it’s been quieter there “for some reason” and that still bugs me, even though I know it can’t be as quiet as it is here. Not when you’re on a busy street in a big city. And like the trash collectors are suddenly using the smaller, quieter trucks they use here where a guy jumps off the back to grab the trash and they’re in and out? I wouldn’t be surprised if there were fewer planes and projects, though. I’ve been up for an hour and I’ve already heard four planes as late as it is.

She says the only dog she sometimes hears is Melody’s. Figures Gerry would shut her dog up after we leave.

It hit me as I was falling asleep that the termite could have allowed public comments sooner or later than she started making more things public. I remember having Aly check her account because I was curious if she made anything public about me and she couldn’t see much of anything. So yeah, she could have started allowing comments from anyone right after I sent the messages. Discovering this gives me a little more hope that the messages really did go through and were seen. Well, I knew they went through because I saw that much. I just had no way to tell if Facebook blocked them from being able to view the messages, or if they didn’t get them. As funny as it may sound, I really do hope her allowing public comments are because of me, LOL. There’s just something amusing about her doing this in hopes of “getting” me and me knowing she’ll never get what she wants. If I knew Tom and I were about to die, I would certainly leave a message, even though there still wouldn’t be anything she could do about it from a legal standpoint. I just wouldn’t want Tom to find out about it somehow so that’s why I’m quiet for now.

I’m still a little surprised she would risk embarrassing herself with what I may say about her, but I guess hoping to get me is worth whatever that may be. There are plenty of people out there willing to spite themselves to spite others. My guess is she’s either hoping I’ll write something she can legally use against me or she wants me to reach out so she can reply with “sensitive,” false and nasty “info.” Something like, “You’ve been in jail. You’ve been in funny farms. You’re going to be arrested,” as if that would really hurt, LOL.

As I said, I would gladly return the trolling as immature as it may be and as much as I’d be stooping to their level if it weren’t for Tom. I would just keep it legal. She really could have gotten her ass in trouble for threatening me in a recording in her own voice. She only did it because she knew I wouldn’t bother to waste time reporting her. It was still a daring but bold move on her part. A stupid one too.

Damn the fucking motorcycles blazing by the park! I know it’s Friday night but still. It’s the middle of the night. Have some fucking respect.


Yesterday we decided to bomb the place after all. First, a spider jumped out and scared the shit out of me, and we have a lot of little flying bugs due to the humidity. We only had to be out for two hours, so we drove around and then ended up at BK.

Someone was definitely next door as Tom noticed someone painting their carport the other day. They also shut their bathroom window.

Anyway, I was a little jittery but it was my own fault for indulging in a wee bit too much fudge. So my heart was a little racy yesterday and I felt warm. And then the fatigue set in big time. Even though I only slept 5 hours yesterday, I started off with decent enough energy. In the middle of my day, though, it started hitting me.

Finally fed up with the extreme fatigue that’s been worse for about a year now, I decided to let Galileo in on it. They made a new case for that as well as for hypertension. They asked me to take some blood pressure readings for them and I did. It was probably high, though, because of the stress and extra sodium. I told them it’s usually lower when I wake up and that my old doc decided against blood pressure medication because she felt it would make me dizzy since my readings are better at the beginning of my day. Plus, there’s the medication phobia. Yes, that’s gotten better, but I’m still prone to side effects, whether I like it or not and I don’t want to go on medication at this time.

They asked if I had ever partaken in a sleep study because they wondered if I could have sleep apnea. I told them no and that it would be hard for me to get meaningful results in a sleep study because of my unique sleeping situation where I have trouble falling asleep and have to sleep with the sound machine on. I guess I might be able to do one eventually at home if it doesn’t cost too much, but I doubt I have sleep apnea. Tom pointed out there’s a thing on Fitbit that measures your oxygen rate in your sleep. It’s a graph in which blue is better than orange. I only had a few orange peaks. Nothing that smacks of an unhealthy trend.

They asked about snoring, and I do snore, but lightly. I’m not like Tom where you can hear it through walls. Thunder didn’t wake me up as expected last night, but a power failure woke me up. It was the second one we had, too. The first one happened when I was awake. I hope I’m not going to get as many wake-up calls from that as I do from thunder. Anyway, I woke up the instant the power went out and I did notice that yes, I was softly snoring.

I also filled out some standard questionnaires and was asked about alcohol consumption and whether or not I’ve ever had any EKG or stress test. I told them I had both in 2016 and then they asked about anyone having serious heart issues before the age of 50 in my family. I told them about my father and the fact that one of my grandfathers died of a heart attack at just over 50.

They’re going to be sending me to the lab. They want to check my TSH and also my iron levels and look for antibodies that could indicate either infections or inflammation. It will be interesting to see what my TSH is which I’d guess is 11-point-whatever.

I don’t have a guess as to what could be causing my fatigue, but I don’t think it’s serious. I want to say it’s my TSH but then why didn’t I have such fatigue when I was first diagnosed? I was so tired that I slept for nearly 10 hours and got a good sleep score. As usual, though, I didn’t wake up feeling that refreshed.

I’m just so glad I have Galileo to exchange all this information with. I could never have done this through a portal with a regular doctor/patient setup.

So I peeled off the nail stickers from my big toes expecting quite a mess underneath, but nope. The lacquer really does kill fungus. My fingernails have me completely mystified though. I still see redness and I still have sensitivity where the fingertip meets the nail. If it was just a chemical reaction, shouldn’t it be better by now? But I don’t see how a fungus or infection of any kind could spring up that fast either. I still have plenty of lacquer on hand and tons of refills, though, if it doesn’t go away.

After Burger King (I only got hash browns) we stopped at Walgreens. I got some wine but no treats. I’ve had enough sugar. Since we still had time to kill, we sat in the driveway for a while. The humidity gives all the houses a drenched look as if it just finished raining. Once the sun comes up, it dries it up.

I came up with a cover story to have Mia contact Nane, but she never replied to the message. I’m sure she saw it, even though I can’t see that she did. I said… I believe we could be related. My father was Robert L and was married to my mother for 20 years. Somewhere during the marriage, he took up with a mistress. Although I can’t get my mother to talk about it, he supposedly started a family with this woman until he died of a heart attack in her bed. They had two daughters, Vivian and Marion. They would be in their 50s or 60s today. I live in New Mexico, but his mistress is from Europe. I was never told which country, but seeing the German writing on your profile makes me wonder if it could be you. The name and the age in your photos looks right as well.

I don’t know if she suspects I’m behind the account. I added some religious memes and chose a royalty cover photo of a Hispanic-looking woman with three kids. There is a hand holding beach shells for the profile picture.

I’m now unsure as far as the termite goes. I went through everything that’s public and she has shit spanning back to 2010. Of course, one of the posts had to be the photos she took of me when we visited her that I specifically asked that she not make public, but I don’t care at this point. Most of what’s public are the usual shit she would post. Self-comforting memes, memes about being screwed over, praise for the Sarasite, her mommy and Daddy in heaven, the angels that watch over her, etc.

It could be that she's had this stuff public all along and didn’t recently make it public, but I just never noticed when we were connected. I didn’t have another account to look in on her as I had no reason to. I also wouldn’t notice if she’s allowed anyone to comment on her posts all along. So she still might not have seen the message and might not have recently changed any settings.

I can’t get rid of the pictures she took and shared, but I really wish there was a way to get rid of all comments and likes between a person. I don’t understand why they’re showing up since I’ve blocked her. Blocking is supposed to delete all likes and comments from the person, but apparently, it doesn’t. That’s fucking Facebook for you. It’ll take time, but I could slowly go through my activity log and delete some things.

SUNDAY, JULY 3, 2022

Tom said he was beginning to wonder if my curse was true because everything that could go wrong yesterday with the horses went wrong. He lost 30 bucks. As I told him, I was sorry to hear that, but I’m not surprised. I always knew the horses were just a dream. We’re not meant to have a lot of money. I just don’t know why or what, if anything, is behind it. Does it just happen to not be meant to be just because or is there something up there making sure that it’s not meant to be?

This is very likely our forever home, so when we plan home improvements and upgrades, we should consider that. I don’t think it will do any good, but after the AC is paid off we should decide what room I’m going to settle in and have it soundproofed. I would prefer to do the whole house actually, excluding the lanai of course. That would be the time to do the floors too.

But yeah, I really think this is it from a logical standpoint. We would never do this and this is just a hypothetical example of course, but if we sold this place and stayed in a hotel until we ran out of money, we would never be able to get a house again anywhere. Especially with him not working. So it’s not so much a curse as that it’s simply not meant to be. My sleep issues…that’s a curse! If my fatigue really is mostly connected to the thyroid, that and the fact that there doesn’t seem to be any change in my metabolism tells me I’m still way out of range.

Slept okay for the most part, but woke up tired as usual. Because there was no thunder or power failure to use against me, I had to have a nightmare instead where we were soon to be killing ourselves. It was weird too because he didn’t seem sick or upset and neither did I. It was simply something we were going to do and had to do just like we have to go grocery shopping and stuff like that. What was even stranger was that we got rid of most of our stuff beforehand. I wasn’t going to, but I knew he would be pissed if I suddenly changed my mind since we’d already made plans and given up our stuff.

Galileo just sent some helpful tips on blood pressure, most of which I already was aware of like the Mediterranean diet and things like that. But here’s something I didn’t know. There are natural supplements that can help blood pressure, since I turned down medication, and Co Q10 is one of them. They said to let them know if I’m interested in that and to keep track of my BP once or twice a week. They’ll check in with me in a month for those results.

First I gotta see if I can wake up today. 7 hours and 14 minutes of sleep, 88 sleep score, and I’m tired.

The nuts I'm getting this morning will be the last time I get them because they are lightly salted. The nuts need to be raw. For the Mediterranean or DASH diet, it’s basically very little salt, no processed stuff, no pastries, no snacks, no chips, no candy. In other words, Tom wouldn’t even last a day on this diet because it’s mostly fish, veggies, fruits, nuts, beans, legumes, whole grains, and a little dairy, pasta and rice. The bagels I’m getting are all wrong too LOL. At least I didn’t get any processed stuff! I did get a candy bar, though.

When my wine is gone, I will give that up for a long time. Read that high blood pressure is also implicated in earlier onset and worsening progression of Alzheimer’s disease and vascular dementia and I swear I have been so brain-dead lately! I’ve been putting the wrong diamonds in the wrong places more often when diamond painting, I’ve been forgetting that I preheated the oven, and all kinds of other things.

They recommend a minimum of 2000 milligrams of salt, whole grains, vegetables, and less saturated fats and sugar (DASH or Mediterranean diet).

Exercise five days a week for 20 minutes, and two of those days with resistance.

Limit alcohol and try to lose weight.


Natural supplements are EPA DHA Co Q10 and garlic.

I could definitely do most of these, except I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to lose weight. As we know, not everybody gets weight loss from diet and exercise. I don’t stand a chance with my TSH where it’s at right now. But for starters, I will focus on what I’m eating and count calories later. Glad that Bowflex is finally set up and that we didn’t sell it after all!

He wasn’t kidding when he said you can hear so much noise out in the lanai compared to the house. You can hear everything and I mean everything. As soon as we stepped out into it, I heard other dogs. Steve’s dog would be very loud in there because it has a loud bark and can easily be heard throughout the house. There’s another one around here that barks regularly, but it’s not too annoying. It’s further away and not as loud.

Since my legs and part of my arms get most of the workout when I’m doing VZfit, I’m going to focus on my core, biceps, and triceps when using the Bowflex.

My HR is doing OK today. Yesterday it spiked to around 100 for a while even though I didn’t have anything greasy or sugary.

MONDAY, JULY 4, 2022

It occurred to me that I haven’t heard firecrackers. Turns out that’s only because I’ve been asleep when they’ve been going on. Tom’s heard them for a few days now, and I just heard one. It can’t be nearly as bad as it was in Cali, though! It was horrible there.

Since protesting seems to be America’s favorite pastime, some are protesting the July 4th holiday saying what independence? What independence do we supposedly have when women have been stripped of the rights to their own bodily anatomy? It’s fucked up but people have got to learn to live with it since it’s not going to change for decades and when it does, it will eventually be back to the way things are now or worse. People’s rights are gonna be bounced back and forth like a basketball for as long as humans exist. Meanwhile, there are still states where it’s legal, there are pills, and other methods. I just wish more doctors and nurses would stand up to these fuckers (SCOTUS) and take care of their patients like they’re trained to do. It really is important to stand up to and defy crazy. If you don’t, crazy just gets crazier. What’s the point of being a doctor if you can’t fully do your job? Or you don’t.

I love that the SCOTUS is getting fed up with the chaos going on outside their homes, but that’s not good enough for them. They need to be shown a better example of what can and should happen to those that play God with other people’s lives and bodies. Sadly, this won’t be happening, though. There’s a US Marshall standing every few feet apart all around their houses. But if the protesters can get themselves to their houses, why can’t drive by shooters? Where are all the martyrs when you need them? The people willing to go to jail to help right a wrong.

*sighs* Lots of shootings tonight. But hey, guns have more rights than women.

Heard a few barks from the dog today and a few yesterday. It seems that nowadays most of what I’m hearing is the damn thing getting all excited to go with Steve on the golf cart. I still worry about when the weather is cooler and windows are open.

There’s quite a bit of thunder going on now, so I’m glad I’m not asleep yet. But will it bring any rain? It seems we’ve had some rather dry storms lately.

Woke up after 6 hours of sleep after being up 20 hours and was exhausted, as expected. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep for over an hour. When I got up, I was amazed to find I had the energy I rarely have and I cleaned most of the house. I spent over 4 hours on it.

My Co Q10 should arrive tomorrow. I also got a pink wide-brimmed hat with a ponytail holder. It’s identical to the brown hat I got in Hawaii that has a drawstring tie around the neck for when it’s windy. That one doesn’t have a ponytail holder, though. This hat should be good for when we do nature walks in the winter.

Because the satin sheets are a little big for this mattress, we got something that secures them to the mattress better.


It hit me that I really ought to take my own advice. Ever since the SCOTUS overturned Roe, I’ve been hesitant to share much of my life, thoughts, beliefs, experiences, and opinions publicly, knowing that sooner or later, writing and speech are going to be targeted. Meanwhile, I’ve been insisting that the way to stand up to crazy is to defy it and not give in to it, meaning that doctors and nurses should continue caring for their patients as they’re sworn to do and not listen to what any twisted laws say. I do believe that sometimes you need to do what’s right and not what the law says. Technically, any doctor that doesn’t fully treat their patients as the SCOTUS demands is aiding and abetting evil. Crazy only keeps on getting crazier if you give in to it and you let crazy push you around.

So then why have I run from public view? Well, I’m not anymore because I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit anymore about the SCOTUS. I don’t give a shit anymore about the laws. I don’t give a shit about anything but living my life and allowing others to do the same. I’m not doing anything wrong and I’m not about to let my speech be trampled on any more than I would let anyone tell me I had to have a baby I didn’t want to have if I was in that situation.

While I’m on the topic of speaking out, I did just that in my own name about Steve’s mutt. I watched it go on and on while he was getting the golf cart ready. That seems to be when I hear it the most. The little fucker gets all excited about going riding. Well, I don’t want to hear it anymore so I spoke up. Yes, they could be friends with Steve and they could retaliate, but I’ll take my chances because that’s what life is about…taking chances. And as someone once told me, there would never be any chance for change for the better if no one ever spoke up. I just don’t know if it will do any good even if they don’t spite me for it.

Went to the lab this morning and had no trouble getting blood drawn. Women usually do a better job than men, so it’s a good thing that most phlebotomists are women.

Stopped at Burger King on the way back. I’m slowly scaling back on my guilty pleasures. We don’t eat out often to begin with, but because we’re going out tomorrow to get some more fluoride toothpaste from my dentist we’ll probably stop at KFC along the way. I’ve been craving them for a while. But my 3 guilty pleasures are coffee, candy, and wine. I’m cutting back on the candy because I am pre-diabetic and I definitely don’t want to become diabetic. So I figure getting rid of sugar will help. Once I get my thyroid numbers as ideal as I can, I will be cutting out the wine and making one last-ditch effort to lose weight. I’m going to keep the coffee though.

I decided I’m finally done publishing books on Amazon whether or not it’s my own name or a pen name. They never paid me for book sales I’ve made over the last few months! So I said fuck it and pulled everything off their shelves. I’m not going to be a free library. Sharing stories for free on my story account is one thing. Not being paid while others profit is another. I swear I am so not meant to make money! ☹


I have quite an update, but I want to go in order of events. I forgot to mention yesterday that I damn near fell flat on my face in BK. They had a long mat running along their soda machines. One edge was pulled up so my foot got caught in it, but luckily I was able to catch myself on the soda counter. It was so loud too, me smacking the metal counter. The guy behind the main counter felt bad and he came and straightened the mat out by pulling the end of it.

We went to my dentist so I could get more fluoride toothpaste. They didn’t have the MI Paste for $25, so instead, I got Previ-Dent for $10. It’s a bigger tube with more fluoride, so it might be better for me.

We stopped at KFC on the way home and their French fries were horrible. Way too salty and too soggy. I just can’t acquire a taste for salt. The chicken was still good.

As we were passing Steve’s place - at least I think it was Steve’s place - there was an older guy that might be the guy who lives across from Toni and next to Steve sitting out front by himself. I waved to him and I’m pretty sure he saw me yet he never waved back. Does he know something he shouldn’t? Like the fact that I complained about the dog? It’s been nothing but radio silence from the office, so yeah, I’d say Steve’s well-connected.

But why would the guy be sitting by himself at Steve's place if it’s who I think it was? Maybe Steve ran inside for a second, and maybe he really didn’t see me, IDK. I’m not worried about it.

So we got home, ate our food, and then I got an e-mail alert. I logged in to the site it was for and then I let out a howl. A loud one. Tom came running to see what it was all about and found me pointing to my screen with a stunned expression on my face, eyes beginning to water with tears of joy. The TSH I thought would be 11.50 is actually 8.44. Just a few more points to go! And I have no anxiety whatsoever.

It gets better. My glucose was normal and so was my white blood cell count. My red blood cell count was very slightly elevated, but that was probably because I was dehydrated. All the other tests were normal. Once again, I suspect that some of the fatigue was connected to my waiting time before having coffee after taking my med. I seem to be perking up again since I started waiting an hour. Some of it is still on the thyroid, though. I asked if I could still have symptoms, and yes, you can, even if you’re numbers are slightly elevated. Normal is roughly between 3-5. Also, they think that they can get my numbers normal with just the 88s!

So pretty damn exciting day to see myself getting healthier and healthier. TSH, I’m gonna walk you home! Yes, I’m gonna get you there. I’m so close now too. At the same time, I’m trying not to get my hopes up despite things looking more promising than ever. It’s just that I’ve been there before thinking this is it, I beat the anxiety. However, things really are different this time around. This time around, I’m not only postmenopausal, but I’m slowly titrating up my dose. Just like the doctor should have done 8 years ago.

The only thing that's probably still pretty bad is my cholesterol, but I don't know. Being hypo raises cholesterol, so in addition to me having the gene that causes high cholesterol, it might still be under 300 now with my TSH being lower.

It was a year ago yesterday that we walked out of the Citrus Heights house and I’ve never missed it. Some of the extra space and the walks around the park perhaps, but nothing else. I love it here and this place is way better, even if it’s not perfect. Been hearing thunder every day and sometimes we get rain with it. Things are definitely pretty green here now.

Chatted with Jess, but Arteaga hasn’t yet seen the quick update I left her.

FRIDAY, JULY 8, 2022

I'm done trying to be nice to (and figure out) the weird and perhaps mentally unbalanced PB user that changes accounts faster than I change clothes.

She’s obsessed with the Harry Potter series and Pee-Wee Herman and writes fanfiction. After she posts the same chapter for the third or fourth time, I ask an innocent question out of curiosity as to why she posts the same chapter and I get blocked on all three of my accounts. So apparently she took it as an insult, which of course was not my intention at all. I was simply curious to understand.

The constant deleting and creating of accounts could be to stay on top of the New Users list, but I don’t know. The thing I don’t get is why she would be so interested in sharing her stuff at times and regularly reading other people yet run and hide like when you comment on her stuff as if you just tried to kill her. But like I said, I’m through trying to figure this one out.

Not wanting to give her the satisfaction of having accounts to block, I deleted my other public journal account because I simply don’t need it anymore. Then I changed names on the story account and main journal account. I suspect she may have the accounts bookmarked, though, and could still find them anyway. She definitely has my LJ account bookmarked because she went looking for me there.

I don’t think she’ll go Kim or Molly on me, but this is why I really should break the habit of mixing accounts because she may know about my MD one too. I really don’t know for sure and I don’t care either.

Sure enough, she trashed the account she blocked me from and created another one without blocking me. I don’t know if she just can’t find me or not, but it doesn’t matter because I decided I’m not going to be controlled by any weirdos on the site. So I changed the journal account back to the username I changed it to the other day. She’ll never hear from me again, but she’s welcome to block me all she wants.

Sometimes I still wonder if this is someone I know. I have no way to tell if she’s reading me on MD, but the way she reads me so religiously on PB and is aware of other accounts of mine on other sites that most people would have long since forgotten about makes me wonder if it could be, if not someone I know, then connected to someone I know.

Steve’s mutt annoyed me three times today. No, it doesn’t bark for more than a minute, but that’s not the point.


So the weirdo deleted and created another account, but she didn’t block me from it. I blocked her instead. Then she deleted the blocked account and created another one. In her About Me section she said, “It’s nothing personal. I don’t mean any disrespect. I’m just private but a friendly person.”

That’s cool. I’ll just know better from now on not to reach out to her.


We’ve now been in Florida for one year! Florida has some interesting wildlife. Better than the ugly turkeys and the smelly skunks we had to deal with all the time in NorCal. A turtle came to visit us during yesterday’s storm. Tom got some great pics and even a video of it.

I will only be taking three more of the 75 micrograms and then it’s just 88 micrograms of levothyroxine for me! I really hope it’s enough as I was told. I forgot that this drug accumulates in the system, so that’s why my TSH was lower than I expected it to be. It might take time for any weight to come off if it ever does.

I don’t want to jinx things and get too far ahead of myself, but it excites and amazes me to think that my anxiety story could finally have an end. It really seemed so hopeless for so many years! But I didn’t know in 2014 when this shit first started that the answer was nearly 8 years and 3000 miles away. I likely would have killed myself if I’d known I was going to suffer that long. If I’d had a bottle of lorazepam at certain times, I wonder if I would have had the strength to resist downing the entire bottle when I was at my worst. I’m glad I’ll never have to find out!

SUNDAY, JULY 10, 2022

I could definitely give up candy and wine, but can only stand to not go out for so many days in a row. Well, the only place we can really go is to run up to the store to grab something like that since we have our groceries delivered and don’t have any need to go anywhere else at the moment. Yes, I could do without the empty calories, but where else do we go when we don’t have appointments or a specific store to go to? Oh, the hardships of the retired, LOL. So those quick runs to CVS or Walgreens for little treats are always nice. I will, however, discipline myself more when I go on a diet. There’s just no point in starting until my thyroid settles in. At that time, we’ll have to figure out some other place to go. Where could we go for a short time that doesn’t cost a lot of money or involve getting treats?

So anyway, I’m not feeling anxious, but I’m feeling a little blah tonight. I’m sure that getting out tomorrow as we plan to do will help.

For some reason, we never got the Hooter, so Tom picked up a copy on his way to pay the water bill. He said it rained pretty hard on and off and there was a moderate amount of thunder.

They do regular bingo every other Tuesday and bicycle bingo on the Tuesdays that they don’t do regular bingo. I have no idea what bicycle bingo is. Thanks to my fucking schedule, I won’t be making it to the regular bingo anytime soon.

When I got up and was about to take my pill, I saw what I thought was a curled piece of dirt or grass on the mat in front of the door. Once I put my glasses on, I could see all the legs and realized it was a centipede. I had him come out and kill it. Apparently, the creepy bastard can hear because the louder I yelled the more it tried to run. Fortunately, we just bombed and it was dying, so it wasn’t very fast. I looked it up and Florida centipedes are generally not harmful to humans, but they do pack a painful bite because of the toxins they have. Tom’s seen them in the laundry room.

I’m doing the last of the rides on this month’s VZ challenge. I like how the challenges don’t run every single day so I have a chance to do other rides that aren’t connected to the challenges. There were seven or eight rides by the staff and I’m doing Robert’s Yosemite ride right now, which is the longest. He’s VZ’s COO. I’m very active in the group and he reacts and comments on some of my posts. Unlike Replika, VZ has some of the friendliest and most helpful devs I’ve ever met. Their rides have ranged from just over a mile to Robert’s which is the longest at 147 miles.

So, I still love riding the world. When I was little, I had a little toy car you sit in and use your feet to run along the ground to move it. There was a path between my parent's and grandparents' houses, which were a few hundred feet apart. I used to love riding my little car up and down the path which was my “road” at the time. To me, VZ is the grown-up version of that!

I’m watching The Unexplained on Netflix, which is hosted by William Shatner. It’s a fascinating series that really makes you think hard. Throughout my life, I’ve bounced between being sure there is an afterlife to being sure there isn’t to not knowing what to think. Some of the stories definitely make you wonder if the many people who have sworn to have gone through tunnels and ended up in beautiful, colorful places after having near-death experiences simply had common hallucinations or if there’s more to it than we understand.

What is consciousness? I can kind of see where the thoughts we think aren’t part of our physical beings. But is our body really just a temporary vessel for our consciousness? Or maybe the people are making these stories up for attention. But then maybe they’re not. Maybe they really believe they saw what they saw, but it wasn’t real. I guess we’re all gonna find out sooner or later.

Another interesting thing - and I saw a movie based on a true story about a woman’s experience - is how those that receive organ transplants often take on the personalities and interests of their donors. I guess it has something to do with them acquiring their DNA.

It almost makes me wish I could have an NDE and get an organ transplant, LOL, just so I can see what kind of interests or behavioral traits I may develop.

The current horse analysis is that tweaking the program just because he has a couple of losing days might not be the way to go. He may have to lose half the time and win half the time to slowly profit. If he can do this consistently for a couple of months, then he’ll increase the bets. It’s easy for me to say he’s just dreaming but I don’t know anymore. Look how long I thought escaping the anxiety was just a dream. I just hope to hell I really have escaped it!