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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2021-02-09 17:55:24 (UTC)

Awoke to the voicemail

But, it was not my doctor yet.
Just a friend calling to see how I’m doing and holding up. He wished me to be back at the hospital, but I’m better off at home. I will watch the bleeding, and will call and get myself in if need be.

My heads in a weird place.
If I’m passing blood, and I’m NOT drinking a single drop, why the hell did I stop drinking??? 🤣😂seriously. Think about it. I stopped drinking because my liver was giving out on me and my other organs and was passing blood and the doctors said it’s life or death decision now, and I thought of my kid, and stopped......only, (yes, it’s only been 3 months sober at most yet again) but only to be passing blood. I was doing well on my sobriety, but, someone decided to drink prior to getting around me, and when they leaned in to hug me, I smelled it, and yeah, I fell off the wagon for a bit. I did manage to get back on my sobriety. Always by myself. Never found support in the real world because of my anxiety I struggle with AA meetings.

But, this really is nothing new. Been dealing with health issues off and on the past few years. Just was a bit scary this morning. Right now, I seem to have gotten my usual 2 hours sleep, am hungry, so going to cook about 4 ounces of salmon just because I have not really eaten much since Sunday afternoon. Sunday was an awesome day. I ate well, I slept well, I seriously felt appreciated, desired not just physically, felt good that day. Almost like it was a dream or fantasy. Maybe I’m delusional?

I’m disappointed in Sheldon. Missed a day of school. Excuses. So, tomorrow, I’m going to ride his ass, feeling good or not, I’m going to set an alarm, get up, check on him every 15 to 30 minutes, make sure he’s in class. I’m pissed off, but understand, he’s a kid. Can’t use my hospital as an excuse, I only told him I was heading out for a bit. I did not tell him how sick I was. I didn’t want him to worry, nor miss school, because he missed yesterday. I’m so tired of being nice with him. But he gets angry at me so quickly and shuts down then I get flashbacks of the abuse I went through with my daughters and fear sets in he will do the same and I go and hide. I really am struggling to get past all the physical and mental abuse of all my lifetime. No one really has had the patience to help me heal, and it’s not something to happen over night. I’m trying hard to ignore ideas, thoughts, and still try to do things I’m nervous about. But, mentally, I prepare myself for the same outcome. Sad huh?

I don’t understand and find it difficult to believe when someone says something positive, just because, the other hand of that positive, has been negative.

It’s after 5, doubt my doctor will call this late, so will expect a call in the morning.

I see another new doctor on Monday March something, it’s on my voicemail. So, have that stress to deal with. I do know, JLee said he would be there for this appointment, so that helps, because I have trouble talking and standing up for myself when it comes to new people. Will see how it goes.

Was going to call grasshopper, but he should be sleeping. He works tonight. I said I’d call if I heard anything, but have not, and he had a lady come to visit a few hours ago, so can hope he is getting his rest before work. I do seriously care and love him. I want him happy. I want him healthy. My son adores him already as well. Scary, but it is what it is. Wish I had his ego. He knew my son would get along with him. I guess, sometimes, because of my own issues and insecurities, I get a little jealous. Oddly. Not a controlling jealousy, just, wish I was better, more, ya know, that perfection.

My stomach is swollen today, and hurts. I’m trying to drink some juice, because I feel like my sugar level might be low, I’m dying of thirst, ankles are swollen, feeling bloated, but dehydrated, make sense? Doesn’t to me. But, that’s how I’m feeling.

I don’t think it’s anything serious. I think it’s probably something they can manage. I would like to believe that. I’d hate to have another person walk out on me because of my health. Doesn’t stop me from being who I am. Doesn’t stop me from spoiling people I truly love. Feeling like it or not, I will always go beyond the call of duty so the people I love know I love them, no matter what. Sometimes I think people are embarrassed to say they feel the same, or embarrassed to admit they have someone who truly loves the way I do. I’m a wonderful woman, deep in my soul, just need someone to over look the issues and realize I’m worth it. Long haul. Would be a beautiful thing. No one person is perfect. I can’t fix my past, but keep going for the better. I am human. I fall just like anyone else. But with the correct love, normally don’t make the same mistake. Other than cutting.

Anyway, I’m getting tired. My stomach is really hurting. I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep longer than an hour or two.

Decided, I’m not going to contact my ex nor the family about the warrant. I’m not going to reopen my life to become friends with what few ex’s I have, I could, but, to me, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. But, who knows, might give it a go one day. I know that DewDrop would be thrilled for us to chat still. He does still love me. Just wouldn’t tell my kid. He’s been hurt enough. I know limp wishes we were friends still. Yeah, to use me. Nothing more. That’s what ex’s do. They use you. Either for emotional, financial, spiritual, sexual, but never want that one on one commitment. I personally, want that one on one commitment. I don’t mind having friends my own gender. Not a thing wrong with that. I could have 100 or more. But, me, if I’m in a relationship, and talking to many male friends a day, I know from past experiences, my only 2 male friends were an issue and insecurity. Who know, I will ponder the pros and cons to reopening the door to my ex’s, but am certain, I’m wise enough to see more cons.

Anyway, wanna call grasshopper, as I’ve said, but he’s normally sleeping right now, or he’s not and just busy, just don’t want to feel like I’m bothering him or waking him up, I’d feel like complete shit if he didn’t get sleep and something happened. So, if he’s not sleeping, I don’t want to be the reason. I’d rather him sleep. Be rested, be safe. I worry more than I should.
I looked back on my photos on FB that I posted Sunday, made me smile. I did what I felt. Made me feel great to show how I felt. Even if no one else thinks it’s right. I feel it. I showed it. Made me feel good. Stupid, but good at the same time. 🤣😂

Going to grab a shower, peal off the bandages from today and clean up. Might even sit in the bottom of the shower and just cry.

Till later......


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