If I die today
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Well my cell phone is getting worse and worse and now its basicly refusing to let me send or recieve anything instantly. so days or hours later maybe the message will come thru I still believe its possible that back when I was "friends" with Walter that he did do something to my phone maybe he's getting antsy now and trying to take adavatge perhaps I'm an easy target but then again maybe its something I googled or loaded yeah I'm a sap I download mushy mush stuff not perve stuff but cutsie cutesie love for my love all the time like a million times again maybe thats been unwise. Self inflected I suppose. I refuse to self suffocate so I'm not sure that I want to ropee someone into wasting a trip to take me to the carriers store to attemtp to get it all worked on. Its not worth my dignity and soul and i'm not sure the stance the local provider is taking on mask. Money used to talk now shit submissiveness does. and so I got no leverage anywhere to do business. Anyhow I watched the documentry on Prime yesterday called the creepy line. I listened to it while i attemted to do chores. So it did leave me wondering a bit more about how controled I am and myabe I've done something to upset google with my phone and I am in time out. Regaurdless is it gonna kill me probaly not but limits my commucation bc we live in a societ where phone calls are just unnaccpetable but its a 2 way street but also I struggle bc people sometimes get their panties in abunch if thier phone actually rings and demand text and when i spefically I ask for calls I still get text instead not cominbined with and so shit I dont wanna deal with it. Dinner didnt kill anyone hahd but I did leave a sorta mess dishes are in the sink and crock pot need cleaned too I got lazy and tired. Been tired lately my knee seems strained again it just feels tight in the knee nothing otherwise alarming about the knee. I've been thinking so lets say I know for fact IDK how we would get me to believe it but lets say I have a belief I have a limited time lets say 24hours to live since well I would like veryday to leave something 24hours is good. What would I do. I really cant prosess that bc I just like am in denial or maybe I'm blind but like i'm convinced I'm stuck in this body forever or close to it. I feel like I just cant die or I wont but something one day will prove me wrong bc this sacka flesh wont exsist forever. I just dont know what to do how to redeem the time I have I'm just like contatly chasing my own tail seeking my own kingdom and glaory that next way to get ahead or a step up in life all for nothing just to resist the masses and well so I'm alone and useless. I dont wanna surrender im hoping I do not die with a jab in my arm or a selfsuffaction device on me. I dont know I sorta and caught up on the worlds evil and all you bastards need to know your wrong.. but hell without love my life is useless I wanna have compassion and mercy but check this out when I am all gentle and nice I get caught up taken adavatage of and fooled and usually I end up in danger or I get really really pissed off when I find out whats been done to me. Then well its all over. I still struggle with freely giving bc I find once I am betrayed I will be resentful for anything and everything I've ever invested in you and a little obessive and I dont let go. I dont want to be sour sore or resentful I want to be content and have a heart and not take offence. Im not sure what I can do today to make my life impactful but I want to leave behind something pointing to enterity not to me who no longer exist on earth. I care about souls not society well I want care about souls. IDK I just want to be a good stewart with the time I've given and by my butt imprint on this cozy memorty foam thing on my couchbed yeah I'd say the time isnt reedemable. I"m not super sick. I am very dysfunctional thou and socially its rough to try to touch someones heart bc I just dont understand I dont relate I'm so broken I cannot comprehend the message your conveying. Its hard to exsplain. I feel like I need to go back to square A put a lot more time back in prayer the hell with tv and routine IDK how I will adjust but I might have to do it and figure out a new tv and techology time and I may have to buy that 10$ special notebook that seems to make me feel like its nessary for prayer and maybe the 60/70 whatever is worth it on the halijauh scriptures if all points to redeeming my life and perhaps impacting others in the same direction . Right now I'm a fool and those who know me dont nessarly grasp from my life that the LORD is involved and it doesnt cause them to think of HIM consider HIM or thirst for HIM. I have stuff to workout obviously but I'd like to try to do something today even its its one thing beyond the life I know I want a purpose and not just tossing a slinky or winng a game bc it makes time go buy and is "better" than getting drunk. what to do? I'm sorta like sad or something IDK what the emotion is but I"m embarassed and ashamed of my life and desparte to do soemthing new If I lost my life right now I would assume I'm deafed my life was a loss in vain.