Nick's Journal
2021-02-08 19:01:31 (UTC)

Assholes & Drama

this journal entry came to me yesterday as I was sitting behind the wheel, waiting for a lady (who had at the last minute decided to back into her parking spot) to park her car. as I patiently waited, some assclown behind me, in a huge suburban nonetheless laid on his horn. not a courtesy tap (not that that would have been more appropriate) but full on laid on the horn! this caused the woman, who by now was doing vector calculus to align herself into her parking space to furiously glare at me! I in turn gesticulated with my arms up in the air, pointing behind me to indicate that her wrath was better focused on the mongoloid behind me.

that, however, proved to be quite unnecessary as the douchebag in his suburban peeled out from behind me, floored it, and then came to an insane screeching halt a centimeter from he woman's passenger door. I looked to my left to see what appeared to be a Vice President of Marketing (I'm just guessing given his well-dressed demeanour and complete lack of a frontal lobe) bellowing ineffable expletives whilst pounding his steering wheel. once safely parked, the jerk rolled down his window and brayed at every person within 50 miles that this lady had better "learn how to drive"...

so that got me wondering. why are some people such huge assholes? also, why do some people just love drama? or even more so, why does drama always seem to find certain people? there are two people in particular that come to mind that fit into these categories:

my uncle. sad to say, but after having lived in Austria for some time I have gotten to know some of my relatives VERY well. and well, some of them are just assholes. take my uncle for example. he is the most self-centered, childish asshole on the planet. he has some floozies that he writes with online through instagram, whilst being married. he does this next to his wife. at a party once, he kept on taking pictures of my cousin's (very attractive) girlfriend, also while his wife was sitting next to him. then he asked that cousin's girlfriend to "come outside with him and get some fresh air". he doesn't do a god damn thing to help his 92 year old mother. everything turns into a massive drama if he has to be part of it. I know that he does this on purpose so that he is not asked to take on any responsibility in the future. he has absolutely no regard for other people. he would do weird things like call me up and tell me he was coming over to hang out. I told him I was busy and he would just show up. who does that?

a former hr director I used to work with. this woman was unbelievable. if there was drama, she was in it. whether it was her redneck husband coming on company grounds wearing ed hardy clothes threatening to whoop some corporate ass about some stupid bullshit that I can't even remember anymore. or whether she somehow managed to fall off of her tractor and run over herself requiring a two week hospitalisation. or whether, while just going a 1/4 of a mile to a god damned subway to get a sandwich she manages to put a bicyclist on the hood of her car. there was always some bullshit drama happening. and this was the HR director!!! this woman couldn't manage her own life and you could only imagine how she reacted when she had to fuck with other people's shit. everything was escalated to me in legal. we're out of Sunchips? let's bother the fuck out of Nick because there's talk about forming a union because our employees can't shorten their already miserable lives with corn chips. someone been microwaving fish in the kitchen? let's get a fucking powerpoint presentation on that shit and make sure Nick is taking notes.

so I wonder, why are some people like that? well, I don't have to go far to get the answer. I can look at myself and some of the people I've met in rehab. one guy in particular made it very clear to me. "nick," he said, "you have no fucking idea how fucked up people's lives are. you've lived a relatively tame life, a good life compared to some people. imagine your parents were alcoholics like mine. beat you. neglected you. imagine being a 10 year old kid and worrying if your drunk mom had forgotten to close the front door or if your pissed off drunk dad would come home and put his fists to you. imagine nobody giving a fuck about you."

then he went on, "now not everyone turns into a piece of shit like me just because they've had a tough childhood. some people pull their shit together, but it's hard. some people are fuck ups. they make bad life choices. they knock up some chick that they don't really like and then 25 years later they're sitting there at 40 in a huge suburban, married to some bitch they can't stand, children that they hate, working a job that drives them crazy and some asshole in front of them is holding them up!"

he ended with, "never underestimate how truly, unimaginably shitty some people's lives have turned out. we're fed a steady diet of people who succeed or who turn it around. but a lot of people don't succeed and they don't turn it around. and one shitty decision piles up on another. until finally you're floundering underneath this whole pile of shit, suffocating in the filth you've created around yourself. and a lot of these people have ailments. they're fat, they're lazy, they hate how they look, they hate how their wives look, their children, even their dog. they have some stupid little fluffy dog that yaps all god damn day, a boss who flaps his gums from 9 to 5 and then some kid in a corvette comes by. and that's where the hate and anger come in. nothing ever worked out for them, they're mired in muck so why should anyone else have any semblance of happiness? fuck them."

the whole part about people being in pain, sometimes physical pain really makes me think back about my darkest days as an alcoholic. 40 lbs overweight, everything hurting all the god damn time. hating myself for who I was, who I had become, how I acted. letting my anger seep out, having it manifest itself in lashing out at those that I loved. ugh. what a horrible fucking life. let me reiterate that, IT WAS A HORRIBLE FUCKING LIFE. I WAS FUCKING MISERABLE. I WAS A MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT.

so, as I saw this dude just losing his mind over what amounted to maybe a 2 minute holdup I just thought about myself. how I had been. how absolutely miserable I was. it's not an excuse, but maybe it will give you some solace to know that you probably can't punish that poor prick any more than he has already been punished. and even if you could...why?

I'll end this with a great passage from one of David foster Wallace's essays. this was the one where he went to an Iowa county fair with a (female) friend of his. this female friend wanted to ride this thing that was basically a basket which would then spin. you around and back and forth and whatnot. DFW waited on the ground next to the ride operators as his friend entered the cage. the two operators then did everything in their power to shake the cage so that they could see up DFW's friend's skirt.

when the friend came down DFW asked her if she knew what the two operators had been up to. she responded that of course she did. to which he responded, somewhat aghast, "well doesn't it bother you?" to which she replied, "no why would it bother me? why would I even think about what those two assholes were up to and spoil the fun I was having? the world is full of assholes, if you let them ruin your day, you're not going to have too many good days!"

amen to that sister.