If I die today
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2021-02-07 06:30:19 (UTC)

cramps n crap

yesterday I made some canned green bean corn mix and carrots mixed in brown rice with seasme oil. I pooped it wasnt much but I think theres something to cannned green beans. But the fact theres no corn in there I guess we will see if there crap today and when the corn comes thru. I have cramps lower pelvic cramps too. I dont know I just feel like my digestion is having some issues and I cant seem to figure it all exactly out. Trying to focus on diet but I'm not planning grocery shopping until Friday bc I'd like to get the Friday sale. Anyhow IDK its gettin old and valentines is coming up so well I suppose I need to keep some control on my food intake bc who wants to be bloated and fluffy and consitipated or gassy on feb 14th. Althou I dont know if I shoud celebrate it I just know I have a man and I want him that day too but I dont want the idols and bullcrap behind the tradtion. So thats that If I die today probaly some sorta weird digestion issue I'm willing to bet. Also well Its been on my mind this morning just the amount and the history of self imposed harm to the body I've done I mean over years and years. I literly wanted to destroy myself but never succeeded in the whole sucuide thing I mean its been years but the crap that I tried that noone knows I mean hell that has long term effects. All my life I've always been pro-suciude if someone ledgit wants to kill themselves let them do it. DO not take thier freedom label them or force them into this satanic system of "mental health". Nowdays I dont know but I'm not willing to call anyone to report if anyone should ever share with me thier intent to kill themselves. I'm not gonna hand over the tools or encourage it either. Now if its unintentional or informed thinking or obvious delisions then well I may have to try to figure out something to detor it. I am not at all supporting murdering yourself while at the same time I dont think we have the right to take away freedoms. its weird I'm not in that postion now to really address it with anyone but I would do my best to help and nowdays I know there is a demonic issue with sucuide as well. I also believe that zanex (however you spell it) has a direct link to some sorta witchcraft or socerey that will lead to self harm and murdern. But thats one of those weird odd things that I cant rationalise or exsplain and maybe I'm wrong. I saw on the news today looks like BLM is a major player in the vacine game and obviously out for thier credit.. There's your sign. Get a clue people. SMH but I olny watched a small clip on matter of fact before I wanted to barf and throw darts at this bullshit. Today is the superbowl.. OMG I dont know what to make outta all that i'm not a sports fan so that sorta keeps it a simple opionion but you know well someone knows I' have some sorta beyond natrual thoughts about it. I dont think its anything I need to spell out or share before I keel over. Althou death isnt on the menu today. I'm trying to decide how much or little I'd like to do in housechores today I have a date tonight. Id like to bleach as monthly routine but I'm not sure bc theres still some windgust in the area so could make ventation hard so might just do routine cleanup and get to the bleach when I can have an open door we will see. I woke up at 4am by mistake but I was beat last night it was like 8 I just wanted to lie down I think it was close to 9 I was wiped out. Oatmeal is on the menu soon. I already had 1 of the pumpkin seed fastbreaks but I notice my problem when I was eating at like 5am I wasnt chewing more like inhaling that so I have to intentonly slow down. I' would like to butter up my oatmeal I'm still on a break from the hemp oil in case this is the cause of my backup and Im done with daily bubble bath(dr. Teals theraputic bubble bath with epson salt) the kneee/ muscle pain is well its at a sorta normal state very minimal concern and I would actually like to do a light run tommorw maybe just a few minutes inside or out to see where I'm at with it all. The budget is weighing on me this morning altou I'm literally fine right now other than old debts IDK I just am freakin out about the future and bills . so I need to calm that anxiety. Didn't have a actually real prayer time yesteray I took a bath and well I ended up fin'g off so that so not even good for the spirit or soul and i'm sure God is not pleased about that actually I think it may be heartaching to him. sorry I'm just not like in a well rounded headspace so I should probally end this entry.

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