A Note To Dough, The Boy Who Left Randomly
So... dough, I’ve been talking to my friends about you and me... infatuation, sex, and romance; Are all things I get very confused at times. Now that you promise dick.. I had to open up to another friend, because I needed to know what I am feeling and why. We’re working it out as I type this into my diary before I sent it to you, I just need a full sheet of thoughts and I don’t want to forget them. I want to rule out the reasons why I love you, that’s if I really do. Because as I said, I confused the three types of love I listed. A lot of days I consider myself a slut because of my values in a relationship. Having a standard that a guy needs a big dick. I have to ask myself, is this a reason why I want you? No. Your size doesn’t determine the make or break of my current relationship. Does this make me feel not as slutty as I thought? Not really. I mean, you both have lengthy cocks so it’s not like you really won that. Still if it makes you feel better I’m thinking About more than Just your dick. But what about immediate sex? After all you did just promise me some dick... well honestly it is a reason i wish to break up, because dick now is a whole lot more attractive than dick later. But surely there’s more reasons than dick now right? Yes. You proved to be pure dominant energy, I’m attracted to that like a flame does moth. My current boyfriend however... he has a sub side. And I’m scared he won’t be enough for me, then all this effort to be with him will be a waste. Also, I don’t know if I’ll be enough for him either. And I don’t say that as a depressed person feeling unconfident, i say that as someone who is figuring this out logically, I cannot send him selfies because I remind him of his ex. Yet for some reason I believe this will be better when we are together? I don’t know why. So yes, from a logical stand point, I am unsure if him and I are truly compatible, because he seems subby but more so because he can’t even stand looking at me. And it depresses me because I will feel really pretty somedays and I’m straight up not allowed to show it. What about love languages? I once dated someone (who is also on my diary) named Kailan, and he wouldn’t let me hug without his permission. This reason alone would be enough for me to break up instantly. Either one of us can deny sex, it’s something to be in the mood for. But a god damn hug? That’s something anyone should be able to take. If I’m feeling lonely and I cannot hug you, i will leave immediately. I’m not dating for a paycheck, I’m not here for a boy’s money. I date because I’m a physical person who needs physical touch. Chrono definitely loves hugs and wants them all the time. Honestly, I assume you are that same. Not really too much to say about that now but I needed to write that down for myself, to understand my own terms, policies, and needs in a relationship. In fact that’s the entire point of this diary entry. So I don’t feel like a slut chasing dick, rather I feel like a girl who knows what she really wants and needs. Slowly I’m starting to feel more sane laying this all down. Now you left me all the sudden, blocked me even, am I about to forget that? Am I about to forgive it? No and yes. I will always hold the fact you left me, but I do forgive you. Why? Well you know why, I won’t discuss the reasons why you did (at least not in depth) since my diary is public and these are sensitive secrets. Did you make up this story? I personally do not believe so. I think you are being honest with me because after all, I already knew the shit you were in before your leave. I knew you suffered. Which is why I couldn’t even hate you, I really couldn’t. I just felt sorry. I was worried. Even in my new relationship I still thought about you and wondered if you were okay. With that being said, you went through everything you did, and you still stand. Not only do you stand but you came back to me. That showed a huge part of character in you. That showed Independence. That level of who you are? Well, it’s something this world lacks, even I lack it. Which means you are rare, and rare is valuable. Again, I feel so good writing all of this. I finally feel like a decent person, knowing I’m considering more than just dick. I’m legit happy right now. Like I’m physically smiling over that fact I don’t feel like a complete slut.
So far how are you looking Dough?
Powerfully Independent: Yes, even if you don’t see it in yourself, you absolutely are!
Do you speak my love language: I do not know. Which is something i have to know about you, will you hug me at random? Just to let me know that you genuinely love me? Am I allowed to hug you at any point in time while we are in the same house without needing to ask? Or will I become a burden because you feel trapped whenever you are touched?
Be honest when you answer, because we cannot build a relationship upon lies.
I hope you cried a little while reading this, but more so I hope you smiled. Because I did while writing it. Both, a lot. It’s an emotional entry, but that’s because that’s how I am, emotional. And if it did cause you to tear up, then I’m sorry you couldn’t just put the tears on my shoulders. But you needed to hear these words, or at least read them. You need to understand my thoughts and feelings.
I love you Dough. After writing all of this down, I genuinely believe that I love you. I no longer feel like I’m chasing a dick. But rather choosing a lover. And the more I think about it, the More I feel confident in you.