༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2021-02-06 09:00:44 (UTC)

Admitted to second Journal


3am
I managed to grab 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night, with no nightmares.
I apologize for yesterday. Was upset and freaked out thinking I did or said something wrong. I’m kinda used to that. In every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve always been told since I was a child that I’m wrong about something. So I logged out and popped to a different journal. But we talked last night and it was just me. So, I’m back.

I’m currently at grasshoppers place.
I ate some bbq chicken wings for my 3am breakfast. Struggling with extreme dizziness and my balance is seriously off today.
I’m still exhausted as all hell.
I feel more exhausted here, but I know why.
Sugar is124 currently
But anyway as I was saying the reason I feel twice as exhausted is I’m semi relaxed here, so my body is comfortable to just shut down Soto speak.

Grasshopper is at work.
Sheldon is watching some movies and I’m in the most comfortable bed. Could be better but I have ginger with me and a cup of coffee.
Grasshopper is taking a nap.
So far, things are going smoothly. I don’t second guess the trust I have here. He really is focused on helping me get better.
I still have some anxiety here, still have that urge to look out the windows, double check my doors, and have that dreaded feeling of the knock on the door feeling. When you’ve lived that way for four years, hard to not feel that way.

I’m getting tired so going to nap a few if I can. Bit frustrated, but going to sleep through it.

654am

Tried to grab a 2 hour nap, woke up with a terrifying nightmare. Soooo it seems, that it’s not based on environment. It’s because when he was here for the few hours with me I was sound asleep and no nightmares. So I’m guessing my nightmares are formed around insecurities when alone.

Grasshopper was impressed with my rear parking skills when I got here 🤣such lack of faith. I drove a flatbed for many years and was damn good at it, and the fact I’m 50, no accidents, no tickets, a crisp clean driving record should say something. I know my shit, other than driving in snow. Down south, I drove for Pemberton and we didn’t have snow down there but maybe a dusting. My pops drove for CF so grew up the trucker way. He drove for union over 50 years. Used to ride with him and yeah, sit on his lap as he taught me the gears when I was little. Don’t like thinking about it because other things happened, as most know the history of the dead fucker.

It’s brutally cold out today. -17 currently, and next weekend is going to be worse.

I brought my coffee maker from home to here so going to grab coffee.

Wishing grasshopper didn’t have to work right now, could use a securing tight hug. Fighting urges to cry. My nightmares suck. My body pain is doubled right now, not just from exhaustion but the cold.


I dissolve within the windows of his eyes,  
My very curves like waves crash onto his shore,  
My needs bright like the moon,  
My sensual light showing him the way.

no regrets so far
his expertise calming me and exciting me


Oh, my love, the tingle!
Oh how I remember
When your erotic kiss made
My toes tingle
When soft surges
Of what felt like
Electrical currents
Ran through my body

The tingle when you fingertips
Gently touched my lips,
When that tingle was
The beginning of our romantic trip.

Where has the tingle gone,
Oh, it's there in your lips
Waiting for a soft lingering kiss
That will recall what we have missed,
The NEW TINGLE is better than the old
Because it is NOW and desired so.

The tingle now surges more
Than in my toes, it has
Some new and erotic places
It wants to go and GLOW.

Oh, kiss me now with fire
So I can feel the tingle
And follow my wildest desires
as our passions mingle.

Will YOU come to me
So We can TINGLE?

746am,
well, grasshopper knows I wrote in an alternate journal I started yesterday.
Only wrote 3 entries. I read them.
I make this promise, I won’t write in it again. I did it because of fear, extreme fear, that I did something wrong. I was uncertain that things were ok. I admit, I second guessed if I was what you really wanted....desired. Knowing the extremely huge list of ‘beautiful hot women’ you speak of, I feel I will never measure up, and have a deep fear, I’m not going to make you happy. I apologize for my insecurities. It will take time for me to get that secure feeling that I’m the only one you want, desire, and need.
I have no clue if what I have to offer will be enough. On days things are challenging, will you run to your list? Things I think of. I don’t have a list of ‘hot sexy men’, I could have, could talk to them daily, but I personally, don’t feel the need, never have. That’s who I am. You have no need to fear or worry. I speak only to one friend I trust, all the way in Canada, that I’ve never met.

But, I’m going to post here, and grab more coffee.
BTW.......who all has called you “Daddy”?

Have a beautiful Saturday.


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