༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
Ad 2:
2021-02-04 22:24:48 (UTC)

White Heavy Powder

What a pain in the arse.
I hurt now, like hell. It’s windy as all heck, cold out, and looks like a blizzard outside.
My wonderful son ventured out and took over. He said “my back hurts now” and I chuckled. I think I tore the arm I had surgery on. The pain is tremendous. Throbbing and a sharp piercing pain. We couldn’t get out of the house. The door had too much snow in front of it. Took both of us pushing for 7 minutes and praying we don’t crack the screen door to open it enough to slide our skinny asses out to shovel.
Took the T shaped tape measure I have and it’s over 12 inches of snow.
I’ve got a pounding headache. That snow was extremely heavy, and had ice in there making shoveling a pain in the back.
We got 1/2 done. It’s enough to slide out if need be.

I got my chicken, and making some hot cocoa for the boy and some hot tea for myself. I can’t get over how sore my body is and how physically drained I am. Was a hard emotional day today which doesn’t help.

My fears are going to be there for awhile. Seeing as I have no faith in myself, and seem to help screw up my relationships, but, I’m going to try so hard at doing everything I can to make this work. I love the fact I can write here to say what I struggle with verbally and have it be ok. If more couples did this it would save on verbal fighting I think. As I slowly heal, I hope I gain confidence to speak verbally. All in time. I have no clue what I’m doing, I feel like I’m going into it blindly, but something feels right. I feel something inside warming and glowing. A desire to know more, to learn to laugh, to be myself again. Going to take time, but with the right support, I can make just about anything happen. Or die trying.

I have not told my kid yet. All in time. I put enough on him already and he’s willing and open to this weekend. We talked about it again today. He must see a slight change because he never has ever volunteered to help me till tonight. I was impressed but worried he was going to hurt himself so watched as he shoveled.

I wish I could sleep. I’m so tired I started crying, but knew the tears were because I’m exhausted. My eyes are swollen from all the crying since last night. I haven’t taken my Valium in a few hours, and still need to take my medications. But want to wait till grasshopper is safely on the road. I worry more than I care to admit. He really has been an angel sent to me. Our paths crossed for a reason and I believe it. If I denied myself a chance, I’d never forgive myself. I certainly don’t want to rush anything. But waiting 6 months or longer like all my past relationships didn’t work, so why not go with my heart this time. My guts not completely certain, but my heart tells me something is different this time just by the steps taken thus far. I personally don’t think someone would put this much effort into it just for a fast time or a head game, so I’d like to believe.

Gotta grab my tea and some Advil for my body pain. Will figure out the rest as I go. Wish I had a shoulder massage right now, I’d cry and fall asleep I’m sure.

Not sure if I will be back on tonight.

I appear in my truest form.
Never tainted by the hands
of what others want to
craft me to be.
Never forged into a byproduct
from the assembly line of life.
I face this world head on
and straightforwardly.
Planting all of myself into
the foundation of the Earth
I stand upon.
And I never falter
with the cowering of
impressionable minds.
I hold steady.
I remain pure.
I appear in my truest form
for all those to see.
Refusing to repair parts
of myself
that are not damaged.
Allowing my soul to be
the graceful hands of an artist
who paints the canvas
of my world
through my eyes