Alexa & Celine Dion
my parents love Celine dion. like love her. she's great and all. has an amazing voice. thumbs up. but holy christ, ever since my parents got Alexa for Christmas this Canadian has been bleating how her heart will go on about 7,373 times a day. it got so bad that I walked by Alexa and told her to please shut it the fuck up. to which this basic excuse for a calculator responds by telling me that I'm being rude. to which I took offense, which turned into a solid minute of me lambasting a black globe loudspeaker with every vulgar epithet my carbon-based brain could come up with. to which this trite trick responds with, "that not very nice."
I doubled-back and thought that I must be outta my god-damned mind. this uppity piece of shit is calling me out on my behavioural patterns so I started to swear to black Jesus that I would send it careening through the stratosphere. after that we reached an understanding as to what's what in this household.
then, the other day, I roll over to this thing, trying to mend our already brittle relationship and ask it for some simple information. it starts giving me all this hoopla about its having trouble connecting to the network. not on my watch you don't! I saw you answering a question for another family member lickety-split the other day you stupid silicon sycophant!
piece of shit goes around telling me the weather like it's accomplished some great feat when I can have the guy on channel 12 who looks like he spends the day smoking catnip tell me the same exact thing. but when I up the ante and I need some real information she's like a politician in the wind. saying how she needs some more information or time to think it over. what are we at a goddamn marriage counselling retreat? you give the information and there ain't two shakes about that.
anyway, as you may have guessed I'm having a tough time with Alexa and it was triggered by another boisterous ballad from the queen of vegas - Celine dion.