If I die today
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2021-02-04 07:11:31 (UTC)


I'm pretty unenthustic today my knee is stil a mystery still very painful however it does seem to have some improvement since yesterday. I'm tired. Havnt popped today. Fair diet I'm working on my diet intentoly but also trying to use what I have as well. Still trying to avoid wasting resources on food until the 6th. We will see how that pans out thou bc I am getting craving. I started hemp seed oli yesterday too so I'm going to be taking that a few times a day to try to fight off whatever ails my knee and muscles joint pain. So I feel asleep before 9 last night woke up between 3 and 4 there was what sounded like a literal catfight outside my door. Which since it was like 350 something well thats the witching hour and around here there so much drugs n oppruinty for socery I wouldnt be suprised if that was some sorta witchcraft or soething beyond natrual but guess thats not revelant and would seem far fetched to the average person so very doubtful I would ever actually need to tell anyone about it. I have been thinking about the rFoster family and speficly wondering what should I have done. I hve trouble still understanding what went on there and why. This morning thou I am thinking I really should have never been there in the first place unfortnly I entered into that in my own schemeing and deciet and while I was truly truly in need my own exagrations may have lead into that. Im sorry that I did in fact take adavatage and misrepresent my health and I dont even know what else I misrepresented. I shouldnt have done it thou. They owe me nothing. I dont know what and where the wrongness lies the faults on them is hard to define bc I did enter into thier world and well I wasnt paying out my own pocket. While I think i was taken adavaget maybe they were doing thier best and even if my account was frauded or falsefied that doesnt make what I did any better as far as grasping at desperate straws and schemeing. I want to choose to forgive them I dont know what will make it right if ever anything but I'm finding it reasonable and it is working out well in my mind to understand perhaps I really shouldnt have ever been there. I am concerned I guess I've had concerns for a long time about myself maybe I live in deliousions or falsehoods maybe i'm a patholigal liar? I cant make senc out of my life and it scares me but I cant trust anyone enough to ever tell them. Maybe my expiernces are real thou and perhaps I am being decieved bc the world is literally evil. I dont know. I dont believe in help thou. years ago I thought it was cute to remind people help is PLEH backwards bc thats what I think about help. Nothing is genuin in this world and I need to cope with that. We are all uner major deciet. If I die you know this little diary thing has been theraputic for me but yah know the world may actually have a glimpse into what I actually think how my mind works and where my heart is unfiltered uncensored things that dont just come out in social situations . Perhaps soemthing ueful or helpful will come out of this other me having something to do and believing that I'm this important.