༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻
Ramblings & RL Stories
I’m seriously struggling today.
I’m having a seriously hard time holding my tears in.
I’m feeling like a serious self harm.
It’s scary how I’m feeling.
I woke up, feeling like I’m surrounded by a heavy dark force. I can’t seem to break free. It’s blanketing me. Either for protection or consumption.
I have words I want to say that are causing me to want to cry.
I’m starting to cry.
I’m trying to focus on grasshoppers singing and his voice.
Yes, we are on the phone.
The weather is dangerously shitty and he’s out in it.
I wish I could spit my words out.
But there’s fear consuming me.
(Tears are rolling out and I can’t stop it)
I’m terrified to say what is building inside.
I wish it would pass.
I wish I could stuff it.
Maybe I should just spit it out...
My fear tho...
Once I say it, I’m vulnerable.
People may run.
People may see it’s a weakness and use it against me.
I will loose them.
I can’t handle loss. I don’t do well with loss.
It’s my abandonment issues.
My feelings today are so damn strong. It’s scary.
It’s consuming me.
I just took a Valium.
Wish it would work.
If I’m still struggling by the time grasshopper gets home, I’m going to hit a few off my medical pipe. I seriously need a release. A good hard riding would help....sadly true. But one with deep soul connection. Anything other than that would cause flashbacks and make things worse.
He asked, if I had any good childhood memories.
Sadly, there is none. I have one, of my grandpa. Sitting in his ugly broken in Forrest green recliner he refused to let anyone toss out. He was my joy. That’s the first true love and admiration I felt in life. My grandpa was an angel.
I have no other good memories.
I’m overwhelmed this morning with feelings of anger, hurt, extreme passion, extreme desire, all things I don’t want to feel.
I want to spit words out, but, can’t. It’s fear holding me back.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of vulnerability.
Fear of being takin for granted.
Fear of being toyed with.
Fear of going to hell for the anger, hate, hurt that I can’t place why I’m feeling.
I’m angry he lied to me. I’m angry he toyed with my emotions. I’m angry I was not appreciated. I’m angry I ment nothing to him. I’m angry I still hold those good feelings inside. I want them gone. I don’t want to still have love for him. I want to erase him completely from my mind and heart. I try. Nothing works. I want the hurt gone. He was the first one in 30 years I thought of actually getting married and having the last faze of my life with. I feel like an idiot.
I never thought I’d feel that way again about anyone.
But, it’s happened. And I can’t find what I need to stop it. It keeps growing the more we communicate. I have not felt truly happy in my soul most of my life. This is the second time in 50 years. It’s stronger than the first time....something I didn’t know was possible.
I’m feeling strong deep desired feelings. Something I don’t want.
It makes me feel ultra vulnerable.
It scares me.
It’s too soon.
Why I’m feeling this way I can’t explain.
I want to cry in his arms.
I want to unload this deep desire onto him. I have not felt a desire this deep before.
It scares the hell outa me.
I want to say three words, because I deeply feel it.
I question why I feel it. I question because it’s too soon. I don’t want it one sided.
I fight it because I don’t want to feel it. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want it toyed with or used to head screw me.
(My damn of tears just bursted)
Off the phone so no need to hide and suppress it all. Now it’s flooding. I’m shaking. I’m feeling so overwhelmed I want to “paint”. I won’t tho. It’s an addiction, an outlet that is like a drug. I get this high feeling when I “paint”. It releases the overwhelming feelings.
It’s like this....
My desires, feelings, thoughts are an infection inside me.
I “paint” those lines across my skin.
I watch the red thick infection pour out of my skin. Skin that’s tight, stressed, like a thick leather.
As it pours out, I get an euphoric feeling, my head feels lighter. Like an hot air balloon. Empty, released. I can’t think of anything during this. A head rush forms. I can cry and let all this nasty infection within me go.
I look down, to see it because, for some reason, I can’t feel the pain, no matter how deep I “paint”. The pain inside of me is so strong, it over powers the physical pain now. I used to feel it and get a euphoric feeling from the pain. But over the years, the internal pain has become so much, I feel over stuffed. I have thoughts, images, desires, to slice my throat, to have the infection pour out. The vision in my mind is never ugly. It’s artistic and beautiful.
I know, for those reading this, will think I’m sick. I don’t act on it. I am human, I have my own feelings and images. I’m not wrong for my images. My images are a result of 49 years of abuse in every form. I will guarantee that 90% of you reading this would not have turned out as pure as I have. I do, have one of the purest heart and soul you will ever find. I have so much deep passion and true genuine love that I see it as a curse. Most either can not handle it, can’t accept it, can’t treasure it, can’t appreciate it. When I feel hurt or disappointment, it shatters me. I don’t have the ability most have to either ignore, become callous, or forget. I’m like a pandora box. Everyday, something slides into that box. It’s overly filled. I’m waiting for that one treasure hunter to find it and have the balls and willpower to accept the challenge to grasp things little by little and empty that box and refill it with the best memories to feel like heaven.
I feel like I’m a waste of space everyday. I feel like I’m taking up air from someone who deserves it. I don’t feel worthy. I feel like I don’t deserve what is being offered. So, I’m scared. I want it. But don’t understand it. I don’t understand how someone would want what I have to offer, other than for mean purposes. I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in my 50 years here.
I want to feel like I’m the soul that completes another soul. That I am their everything. I want to feel important. I want to feel appreciated. I want to be looked at with eyes I can see through and see that true deep love and affection and they feel I complete them and they couldn’t spend a day not breathing the same air as me.
*crying like mad*
I need to break from here. I’m getting dizzy, exhausted, and drained. I have to rest or I’m going to not be able to fight my need to “paint”.
*deep Hugh breath into my tight chest that feels it’s fighting to breath*
Thank you, friend, for all the things
That mean so much to me--
For concern and understanding
You give abundantly.
Thanks for listening with your heart;
For cheering me when I'm blue;
For bringing out the best in me;
And just for being you.
Thanks for in-depth conversation
That stimulates my brain;
For silly times we laugh out loud;
For things I can't explain.
For looking past my flaws and faults;
For all the time you spend;
For all the kind things that you do,
Thank you; thank you, friend.
You magnify my happiness
When I am feeling glad;
You help to heal my injured heart
Whenever I am sad.
You’re such a pleasure in my life;
I hope that you can see
How meaningful your friendship is;
You’re a total joy to me.