༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
Ad 2:
2021-02-04 01:04:53 (UTC)


Why do I bother trying?

I have some inner rage brewing as well.
Starting to get that angry feeling inside.

My soul lays dormant in the chamber of a revolver
Silent, still, ready to explode into the oblivion of violent death
Fear keeps the shiny metallic surface of my being a compact shell
The last traces of love have vanished with the light of a dimming reality
My dead eyes move and perceive but refuse to see
My hands shake with the tremble of fear playing a dull melody
BANG! The light floods into the void, the universe is born
Sweat, tears, longing, anger, sadness, hate, repentance, forgiveness, love
Ego dissolves, life force flows through the ether
I hear radar waves pulsing hitting my sailing soul
Again and again without end and without change
My eyes begin to open and peek through the crusty curtain of sleep
I reach over impulsively and turn the alarm off on my phone
My hands no longer shake and the illusion of the revolver has left
The light pours in like a cold bucket of water
Did I escape the metal encasing of my soul?
Is this the light I saw after the BANG!
Am I in heaven?
Or hell?
Or simply being with the image of nothingness haunting my dreams

I have a hard time living in a town with 2 of my ex’s......I can’t imagine living in a town with 20 or more.

I want to start from my first relationship .....

J.H.R. From age 15 to 19
G.B. raped ...
J.T.G. From age 22 to 25
M.D. Married from 30 to 48 (lived separate)
D.N. From age 31 to 32
S.S. From age 34 to 40
K.S. From age 40 to 43
P.C. From 43 to 46
P.M. (5 weeks at age 49)
N.R. From age 49 to 50

That’s it for my whole life. 10 . Sad?
Most all long term.

Not in the mood to write what all is going through my mind.
I’m not one to “ghost” anyone, let alone someone I am thinking of enough to buy things that they may want to help with working......
I’d have to have my head examined to spend money I’m not made of and then ghost someone. But, then again, maybe I’m that stupid/crazy.
Hit as a blow, mistrust, yada yada.

My heads in a bad place.
Feel like “painting” and crying.

Going to pop all my medications and sleep.
He can focus on his driving and whomever/whatever and I won’t bother him while I’m sleeping.

Fighting urges.......
Good night.