Midnight Love

A dummy's diary
2021-02-03 22:58:30 (UTC)

Daddy issues amiright

I just wrote, and I think tonight I might spam entries. I just feel like writing, yk? So much has gone on, and I just feel like this is important to me. Gotta document my daddy issues right? This is going to be long.

My memories of elementary and bad stuff are foggy. I sometimes wonder if the shit that has gone on in my life was really that bad, that maybe I'm an overreacting attention-seeking moron. I feel so lost sometimes. I feel like if all of my bad memories totally go foggy not only will I live an unsure life but I'll also get random memories that destroy my day just as I do now.

I know I'm pissed at my dad, he's done awful things, but what? I remember the incident in Angel Fire, I remember him screaming at mom, and I remember him threatening to kill our dog, but it's all so foggy.

I guess I'll try to briefly describe some of the worse memories?

Franny-

My mom and I had just gotten home from my swim practice (I was around 4th grade I think) and immediately walking in from the garage door my dad stomped over to us. He was beyond pissed, maybe even beyond infuriated.
He booms to us "I'm going to kill that fucking dog!", repeating it over and over again. He was probably quite drunk (That part is foggy, but I know he had at least a few beers as I saw them on the kitchen island) and very irrational.

See, looking back now is even more painful because he's hit her hard before. It wasn't like I could do shit against a 6 ft 200-something pound man as a 4th grader.

I was of course, terrified and screaming "No!" and similar things at him along with my mom. I'm pretty sure the dog only pissed on the carpet as well, and she was only around a year old, perhaps less. Fucking terrifying shit to deal with as an elementary child.

I refused to talk to him the day after when he picked me up from school he got mad at ME. He made me feel like I was overreacting, and hell, maybe I was. I still don't fucking know.

The card fight-

At around 4th grade again (4th-5th were easily some of the worst years of my childhood) everything appeared in black and white, as it does for young children. I had seen my dad put his hands on my mom. I had seen him hurt my brother. I had seen him be verbally abusive. Now, of course, this pissed me the fuck off. So out of my very small 4th-grade brain, I had an idea born out of a moment of impulsivity.

There was this card I had given my father for fathers day, and I was feeling especially pissed at him. I decided to write all over it, venting my feelings. I never planned to give it to him, I wasn't that stupid. I didn't give it to him.

My mother did though. I mean, to be fair, maybe her saying "I left it out" wasn't a lie. I don't know. But he happened to find it conveniently while they were fighting, so I'm pretty sure she showed him.

God, that was an awful night.

He screamed for me to come into the kitchen, so I shakily came into the kitchen. He was enraged.

"If you don't want me here, say go away, daddy!" He repeated over and over shouting.

I was scared shitless. I mean, what kid wouldn't be? I didn't know what to say. I stood there trembling, probably having the longest stutter ever as I tried to apologize.

He kept shouting the same words over and over again until he started to scream about my mom poisoning my brain and using me against him.

I'll write about my mom later, as to keep this entry only a mile long.

I eventually ran to my bed where my mom crawled next to me after a half hour or so. He came in, started shouting about her being just like her mother and turning me against him, and then stormed off.

That night, I hoped and prayed I wouldn't wake up. I wanted to disappear. I don't know if I've ever slept with more anxiety.

Morning came, and he took me to Braum's for ice cream. Like that'd make it fucking better. I mean, I guess it worked, because I tried to put it past me. He was trying to apologize, so why stay mad? As a kid, I was taught that if someone apologized (Mainly a parent or authority figure) they were entitled to your forgiveness.


I think I'm done for tonight. I feel kinda sick, and I've had to relive these by trying to remember the smaller details. There's much more, but I'd need to really dig into my memories or they're just too much for tonight. I might write more, or I might just sleep.
Good night/day.




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