If I die today
wakin up ouch
I'm trying to take up to likely jump in the bath theraputic bubble bath. to help soak my knee for knee pain I now have then I'll probaly return to bed. I didnt get to bed till 4am which is awful bc yesterday I woke up at 4am. I screwed up but I meant well. nDea and I finshed out the vodka and cranberry so we're looks at about a whole bottle between the 2 of us I have about a quater of smirfoff left and about half of kettle one . It was mosty him thou. I suggested a single vodka and cranberyy for us after work while we played scrabble to help distress him and IDK we just kept going sharing the same cup thou so I was tryin to help. We talked quite a bit and one thing I tried sharing was my childhood I think I made him hate my parents. He pretty much resents them but I tried to exsplain we;re all diffrent people now and also I'm working with all these jacked up incomplete inconsistant memories what do you make of it all olny a few facts I know for sure. so theres that plus how do make someone understand that well your ledgit crazy . bc well thats all my family ever knew. I guess if I die I just want a release of my parents I dont know truth about my childhood and I have bits n pieces but thats hard to judge also for real they are not the same people so how can I hold that against them. It sucks in a way but I was like well 5,6,7,11 and so on but now Im an old(ish) lady lol. So its all revelant. I dont want anyone to resent my parents on my behalf. If I had to choose what they could resent is well in 2017 beofre I married that clown you know my dad did the hero thing and talked to him over the phone gave the grand dad specch n speel oooh if you ever do anything to hurt her I'm comin for ya.. Welll I resent that empty meaningless threat. Look at what I've been thru and where were you? But I also know that I didnt want my dad in my life much to attempt to be a dad naymore anyway so why should I have held or hold him to that standard? Also he's just doing the best he knows. I'm not gonna be super productive today I dont imagain e but I pooped a bit last night lol so constipation free and I got some out this morning maaan I feel better. I olny slept like 4 hours but with all the crap out I'm all right. I've had my share of water and the usual vitimains and on the same menu as I had inteded yesterday so nothing in the body requiting urgency just the knee.. Ok so this is akward but nDea was drunk not a bad drunk but he wanted to make me happy he said.. even thou he cant have sex or shouldnt' so well he offered me oral sex and I kinda just brushed it off and he didn't really believe that I havnt had much of that and anyhow of course I was easy to talk into so maybe I hurt the knee that way? Thats pretty much new to me thou I cant say I'm very experienced with men servicing me like that so IDK if it does something weird to me later which it should be harmless whatever I guess we all know haha. He's a good man thou. I love him. oh and so some things we drunk talked about but I gotta consider some changes so I keep my gun encased and I dont store my 22 loaded either IDK what we were talking about but he would feel better if I kept my weapon out and loaded with the safety on bc he's worried I wont be able to access it if someone just burst thru the door. Then we talked about Tinder again I still cant get off there but he remeinded me about clearing all info off there at least he thinks I should keep it just a pic of dog poo thats it have nothing in there remaining . I can't close the account bc at the end ofmy screen theres no delete button to confirm its weird he even was trying to help weeks ago. Guess I'm too sexy and Tinder wants to keep me IDK its weird. And well if I die also so we even spoke about this I dont want to hate my office manager I'd like to see some good in her . I know I have alot of complaints and critism but I woulnt want her being viewed as the pictire that I tend to percieve her as I'd like the world to try to respect her maybe not encourage bullsh!t or whatever but she should be respected and somewhere in there must have to be some good.. And in other news I feel bad just bad bc I get him drunk IDK how but we just do so I really want to go back to keeping a limit on acess to alcholol in this house last I heard this morning he was tired and trying to call out from work and I dont want to corrupt him so I need to be a better woman about helping him distress IDK what that looks like we were doing good with the scrabble and our coffees to be honest.. then I suggested the vodka althou I suggest a drink to share it wasnt nessary he was doing okay. I'm sorry I did that so I've gotta learn. I do regret thou having alcholo in the apartment. I'm gonna work on getting my bed out then jumping in the bath and layin back down for a bit then figuring out the day Im going to wait right now with the knee and not do a classical stretch workout just yet maybe later IDK but I just am lazy right now and my knee joint hurts.
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