Bella

Bella
2021-02-03 11:15:28 (UTC)

Can someone save me?

Tonight, after cooking our dinner my mom started to yell things towards me. I was in my room, doing my home works. I am already on first year college. And really, college life is not easy when you don't earn your own money. So yeah, she starts with, "You were in your room the whole day and didn't bother to get up and do some chores. Starting on the morning when I go to the market, I'll go home with the same scenario when I left. It is still dirty and the chores is piled up." , and the whole thing will go on until you feel the pain because of this words, "Look at the kid of that ****, she is working on Saturdays and Sundays, and schooling on the weekdays. What a hardworking kid. How I wish you could have been like that. I am working all day long to pay for your school fees, and here you go not doing anything but watch dramas on your laptop."
I have four siblings, I am the eldest. So the pressure was on me. We are not rich. Things are difficult for me. The expectation was a heavy thing to carry everyday. I am not an intelligent one, so I have to put more hard work on my studies or else I'll fail my subjects. Everyday I am always reminded of my obligation and I never wish to neglect any responsibility.
My morning starts with the loud voice of my two younger brothers. I have to wake up and remove the diapers of my younger brother 'cause my mom doesn't bother to do so. So I am the one wiping the poop of the li'l kid. I have to bath them, clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, clean my parents room (because she doesn't make their bed). All of the unwashed clothes is everywhere, just like the unfolded clothes. My other two siblings is responsible of the small store just outside, they won't do any other thing but take care of that store, they're lazy. They only do things one at a time. After all the things, I'll go to my room and start my online classes. It'll last until the afternoon. My mom usually goes to shop some groceries for the small store, after that she'll repack some of those then take care of some things. On the evening I have to take care of the freezer, remove some unnecessary inside and make some ice cubes, put some ready made ice candy and such. Tiring day it is. On weekends, I do the same morning routine and do the laundry. There are seven people at home including me, and all of the clothes we used is piled up and I am going to deal with it alone. We use a lot of comforter so every week I also wash them. Every month we change the curtains and I am doing all of those laundry! I have so many things to do everyday! And yet when I forgot to do at least one of those tasks, she nags at me.
I'd love to have a job and earn money, but considering all those chores I'll left at home... I can see our home as a total mess.
I hate being compared. She can't understand the fact that I am different from those people. I am not smart, talented like them. Even the physical aspects of mine is not pleasing. I am no beauty in many eyes. I am not confident, because my own mom drags me down. And I hate it. I know it is a sin but, it is not my fault being born, in fact I don't even want to exist. Because this existence of mine, I consider it as a curse.
Many times I heard from my own mom that she doesn't want me. And every time I hear that, I always wanted to take my own life.
I already attempted suicide many times. Every friend of mine sees me as a strong one, but I am not. I am always dying inside. If I have one wish, I wish to end this sufferings.
I am now staring at the rope that is always hanged on the ceiling of my room. There's a lot of pills on the side of my bed. There's a blade on one of my boxes. There's a suicide note on one of my books. I am ready to leave.
Can someone save me?




Ad: