2021-02-02 13:06:38 (UTC)

the secret aha

I think i'm on my pms session, I cried and I feel empty.

You know when you're drawing and you do the outline first, tryna get it right? I think that's how I see the world, just one big outline with no depths and shades or colors, I know what to say, I know how to make them feel okay, In a very robotic way?
Everytime I watch movies with siblings and parents, I always cry literally pause the vid and wail and go I wish I had parents maybe I wouldve been okay, I couldve been programmed right and be much more human you know. It just gets so lonely to be an npc because it's so hard to find one, a self-aware npc, I do not know if they are actually one because they are so good at disguising themselves as humans, I can do that but that comes with swarming emptiness, oh shit old self flashbak, I didn't really cared bout myself back then, my whole personality is altruism, I cared more about other people than myself, such as treating my family with foods, it felt bittersweet, I lost some and I gain some, I st his the secret to happiness? like to make yourself happy, don't care about yourself, don't talk about your feelings because there is no "I", it's all jsut memories banging together creating a new kid that creates a new kid, so is this kid something new? you might think it is, well maybe it is?
I tried exploring myself but it's just not my way, I just get deppressed most of the time because I realized there is nothing in me. Ego Death is probably the worst thing that could happen to us, like there is no "I" but we are trying to become something, right? We have role models even though we would like to admit it or not but there are some things that are just so fucking cool that we wanna imitate something like that. That's us putting ourselves in a simulation processing it and getting the feels from it, like maybe if I become like this, I would be happy and, what if you remove that?

hmm but like being "yourself" that means you're not supposed to be acting in a certain way, supposed for example a guy wants to be this buff character so at first he was just imitating but then he receives some achievements imitating and it was engraved in his conscious mind andd now it's him, he's now the buff guy. so pls don't be yourself but be someone you wanna achieve?