Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2021-02-02 21:46:00 (UTC)

For something new

Dear stranger,

Just another day tired in paradise. I have all the forms I need to file my taxes now- fun... Business/accounting/management/marketing classes require a lot more work than I expected, huh- not that I'm complaining. I had to finish about 70 problems for my statistics course ugh- kill me now. I seriously thought that I wasn't even going to be able to finish it. It wasn't even only 70 questions, there were questions within questions! And not even a few- it was like 10 whole questions within a question! I took it one question at a time and I finished it all with over a 95%. That was ridiculous though. Now I know I should divide the questions up for each day before the deadline. Oh, Karma, read the book she said. Oh, you have plenty of time she said. OH, IT WON'T BE TOO HARD SHE SAID *me laughing hysterically*. I was really busy today too lmao- had a couple of meetings for work, class, and of course, therapy. I feel a lot more confident talking to people through Zoom again- I got to talk a lot during the meetings and asked questions in a non-idiotic way- people understood what I was saying basically.

I met with my new therapist today- Dr. Echo... It was all very new- really different from Dr. Tim. Dr. Tim is soft-spoken and a man who has been through the challenges I've been through [molestation]. Dr. Echo is loud/confident and a woman who today verified to me that she's also been through the same challenges. I'm not sure... but honestly, I think I like her a bit more than Dr. Tim- I feel bad for feeling this way. They both have their pros and cons, and they're both amazing people... and they're both like me. It's funny, even in the very beginning of the session, I felt like crying. When I went to church as a kid, my mother would force me to go into the confession room and confess my sins to the priest- even then, I'd cry as well. There's something about being vulnerable at a place where I know I need to be honest with myself and that other person that makes me cry- real feelings hurt while surface/outer feelings can be easily manipulated and forced. There is a clear line between the two and I know I have a choice to either pretend or to be real, but I'm not a very good liar. I actually hate lying- it always feels wrong. So I don't lie and I show it all like how they want me to. I only lie and put on an act when I'm not required to be vulnerable- people in the real world find it taboo to be vulnerable- so why make them uncomfortable [idk, maybe that's just me].

She seemed so genuine- the kind of adult that I hope to become- a real role model. We were just getting to know each other in this first session and didn't talk about anything serious. After all, my last session was last Friday which wasn't too long ago and I already had my breakdown which already gave me relief. I just told her about the minor stuff- about not feeling good enough, grad school, professors, etc.- minor shit. I did talk to her about the time in my life when I was 13-years-old and about how instead of killing myself, that I decided to become a martyr instead. Then I changed the whole trajectory of my life and changed my major. She asked me how a kid could think about becoming a martyr and I never really thought about that before- and she's right- it was complex. At that time, I was reading books where the characters sacrificed themselves for the happiness of other people- a sense of selflessness that I admired. And maybe that selflessness is the reason why I think about others more than I think about myself. I cried so much to her. Sometimes, I think I'm still just a kid [and not only to her]. Maybe one day, I'll feel complete.

Honestly, I'm feeling realllllyyy fucken tired right now. I had to do a lot and I have more stuff to do tomorrow. I feel happy though and have been daydreaming a lot, which I won't say what about- just happy thoughts. Until tomorrow luv!

From yours truly,
Vampire Karma

P.S. More than half the time, I have no idea what I'm doing at university- but I'm getting the answers right so that must mean something lmao.
Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP8Dl1bEyJM&ab_channel=JMGACK
Just think of this as a show and this being my outro song lol. I told you that this song would probably be relisted. My life is really becoming something.
Today, I asked my family what they would think if I got married with a 30- or 40-year-old- just cuz I was curious on their thoughts on the subject matter- not because I plan on marrying someone that age. LMAO they told that they basically didn't care and that I was the one who was going to live with him- I'm so dead hahaha. I love how my family is so cool with my life decisions- now if they only allowed me to get a tattoo hahaha




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