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2021-02-03 02:04:55 (UTC)

Most of my entries are ..

Most of my entries are private. I like this new feature of being able choose private or public on a per post basis.
This entry is intentionally written from the get-go as a Dear Reader kind of thing.

Some diaries have been here for so long. Well, you can edit the dates too, but I can't think why someone would do that unless they were copying-pasting entries from a different website/format, or trying doing some kind of what's I suppose might be called "immersive fiction." (Reminds me, there have been some good examples on reddit. _9MOTHER9HORSE9EYES9 's story is good, very compelling and surreal, right amount of vague to enhance the creepiness and still follow a narrative.

I'm deviating from what I was going to write, maybe because I was thinking about unpleasant things to write. I phrased that badly. It's late.

I think it's cool being able to see all aspects of a stranger's life written down from their PoV. In a way my favourite diaries on here are the most mundane and simple. There was one where a man mostly just wrote the dates he was seeing his doctor. Another was a woman just saying what she ate that day, but the title or something said something about cancer, so maybe food had taken on a new significance for her.

I was going to say something else, but I don't want to talk or think about it.

But I am thinking about my nana and my aunt, who both have dementia.

Oh wow. Maybe the really basic diaries like I mentioned could sometimes be old people with dementia just trying to hold onto memory, the ability to... Life...

Ugh my head. I'm tired. I have too many thoughts to write down on my phone. Need a keyboard.

I'm sure you can understand what I'm trying to say still, Dear Reader. Lol

I want to be authentic, is what I'm trying to get at. I want to be seen. I want other people to understand me and themselves better through me, and vice-versa.

And maybe part of me is still an exhibitionist. I like the idea of having all my sexual experiences on here to read as well.
I get paranoid though. Because BDSM and also just being a bit of a hypervigilant person.

My OG diary was like that, but it was gross because I was like 12. A couple of men contacted me.

Might be my youth showing, maybe I just find the idea of people contacting each-other, on this website in particular weird for a reason, and it might be to do with how basic it is? I mean ofc the basicness is what makes it a perfect website for writing and journalling.
Like, LJ has a bunch of emojis before emojis were Unicode, and so that means they were like pictograms or hyroglyphics; they already had meaning within the context of LJ that had to be discerned by becoming immersed in LJ culture and how other people were already writing their journals.

You know, kind of like how the eggplant emoji has a meaning that isn't immediately apparent. (I was a little worried I was being senseless but no, I'm definitely talking about A Thing.)
But here it's just the words people would use anyway.

It seems I'm doing the thing where I write a lot as a self-soothe or whatever.

When I write something, I usually read it over and over and over again. Which is funny because I don't really read much, or take my writing seriously except I suppose I must do, more than I consciously realise?

One of those guys who contacted me had responded to a couple of my entries. One was like "I hope you're joking about not shaving." At the time I was like, why do you care? But ofc now I realise I ruined the fantasy he'd built in his head about me.

I would've been such a sexy little girl if only I shaved, what a pity! Lmao

Speaking of.
I mean I know I could find a receptive audience on Fetlife for my sexual entries, but I like the idea of putting them on this website which doesn't have that specific audience. Putting it more in view of people who might've never come across real experiences before, have only heard of 50 Shades/Secretary/The Night Porter/The Story Of O etc. And might've never thought to look.

And also the alternative relationship style (ie. Solo poly) aspect. And how I've been dealing with that, being the idealistic yet oftentimes insecure person I am. Well, that's what I think I am anyway.

To gain a kind of legitimacy through being seen, in someone else's idea of me; and there it is again, hello Lain. Present day. Present time.

Anyway time to brush my teeth and sleep.

I love you. Take care and be kind.