Justwhatever

Sadnant
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2021-02-02 23:08:27 (UTC)

Hahahah now my brain is ..

Hahahah now my brain is like

Do it do it get drunk look at shit that makes you upset ruin your life

At least I'm aware.
Probably a good time to practice sitting with my discomfort.

***
As I cut the pill in half I began to tear up. I realise that this is me habitually breaking my own will. The way I chose to sit in my room and put substances into my body.

I could exercise instead. Sure, having my housemate and his GF around made me a bit self-conscious, but I can work through that.

I suppose these sexual abuse allegations are the pain of the day. Like Sophie's death was the pain of the day before yesterday.

It's ok to feel triggered. It's OK to feel like giving up.

Breath. Release tension.

***

I have much self-forgiveness to work on, still. Some real self-forgiveness.

I remember telling him about the time my will broke. Or something inside me broke. In the lunch queue, being made fun of, or thinking I was being made fun of. I remember thinking something like "I deserve this. It's my fault."

Here now is anger. More memories of from around that time, injustices I suffered. And I remember the anger I felt then, when I didn't give in but rather stood my ground and knew in my heart this wasn't right. I am still that person. This I must remember.

It's OK that I told him, spent time with him, made that mistake of being intimate with him in ways he didn't deserve. It's OK to feel complicit in my own abuse and now I shall remember to never diminish myself again.

***
I have found a way to exercise while lying in bed. It works my lower abs as well as leg strength and flexibility. Go me!


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