༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻
Ramblings & RL Stories
Sorry for SH
My sweetie let me grab a 4 1/2 hour nap. Was needed. I’m so used to sleeping 13 hours or more a day to ease the pain I’m in everyday. For the past week, I have gotten maybe 3 hours a day at most.
I went to bed in a ton of pain. Pain in my right shoulder and lower back/hip area have been the worst this week. My ankles too have been super swollen to the point my socks cut the circulation off.
I felt guilty to go to sleep. I want to keep him awake, safe. I do worry about him dozing off while on the road for so long.
He likes to munch on hard candies when he is driving, so I ordered a case of jolly ranchers. Those come in on Thursday just in time to get them to him this weekend.
I ordered something else, possibly for another time. Will see. Something I don’t normally buy, but had the spark to, so did.
I am positive about how things have gone so far.
Never had someone as dedicated as he is to addressing issues I have that arise from my over thinking and history that makes me nervous and insecure. We do communicate. I was just watching something last night about how I’m a toxic person. I realized, I was part at fault for my last relationship going south. The first sign of a toxic relationship, is bad communication. Something I seriously struggle with. However, on a different note, I did communicate, it was just in my journal that he had access to, but refused to read it. I struggle with verbal communication because of the physical abuse and verbal abuse every time I would speak my mind, so it’s easier to communicate via writings. So I went to bed thinking bad of myself, but came to realization by the time I woke up that I did communicate it just wasn’t verbally. So me, beating myself up last night was dumb on my part.
He clearly walked away and it didn’t hinder his life at all, just like the death of his daughter.....he never emotionally dealt with anything. That alone, was not healthy either, so despite his beliefs that I was the one who crushed us, he was at fault as well. I however, had months of mourning. When he walked away back in October, that was our second break up so to speak. We weren’t talking but 10 to 20 minutes every other day......which is not healthy and pushed me further to disgust with him. I dreaded seeing his number pop up on my phone. I dreaded the ring tone going off with a text message. And I did, turn my phone off a ton because I didn’t want to talk to him at all. So it was rough this last and final walk away only because I liked hearing the bullish that came from his mouth....even tho, I knew from 80% of his actions his words were just words. There was a ton of contradictions he spoke.
Well, I’m feeling like shite at the moment. I know he’s disappointed in me. All I can say is I’m sorry for “venting” on myself last night. Wasn’t because of anything about us, it was based on the fact I felt like a failure last night, like I was at fault, and felt like my ex was right when in fact, it wasn’t a rational feeling but an instant cut feeling to myself and I vented it at that time the only way I thought and know to. I’ve done this outlet for over 40 years, so a habit that will be a struggle to break. We had just hung up and I had a bad feeling already and when I seen the video on the toxic relationship i took it personally. All I can say is I will come up with a code word for the next time I get that feeling to vent and will text it. Deal?
I have an appointment to get to, and I don’t wanna go. My body is in sooooo much pain. Tremendous pain in my hip.
So, till later.....