legacy

If I die today
2021-02-02 07:15:33 (UTC)

endurance

This morning while working out with Classical Stretch on PBs the instrustor I want to say Miranda is her name she mentioned something that caused a chain reaction of thoughts in my mind. So mucles dont just die with age they die without use and we think that as were older we have to slow down but its the opposite in a way. Even muscle that has atrophied will start to come back to life with use unless it has fully atophyied. So just for refrence to trace my thought process this morning spefically I was in Rev. 2 and matthew 27. Althou theres been many many things on my mind lately. But this image of our body came alive to me as an example of being a good stewart with the what we are given and reminds me of the parable of the talents and a few other things. Just think thou how wonderful the body is and wht struck me hard was the atrophy so atrophy is when a muslce basicly dies the fact that it will come back and can be saved even restored. Think about that as if our spiritual muscle what mercy the LORD would have to save us even at the point beyond hope as we know it.. Anyhow I think this imagine hits home for me gives me something to think about and understand hopefully. Im really concerned that I'm not reddeming the time with my life and that I've lost sight of the LORD lost my focus ambiton and purpose and that I'm sorta carried away in this world... of nothing abously nothing I just kinda exist basicly. Anyhow just on a physical level yesterdays run was rough it was cooler than I exspected but not horrible then thing is my nose ran the whole time and I was a little short of breath but I suspect either allergies or bc my throats been bothering me and my stomach I'm thinking its acid reflux related. I'm obviously not taking care of myself properly I just started diluted ACV in the morning yesterday but I think I may just be refluxing that too IDK what I want to do from here on out with it. I'm a little slow low on eneregy but my schedule is wack bc I have been making efforts to be awake at 4am and then well if im with nDea you can foreget about a 7p bedtime unless he volunteers to leave by then. 9p is reasonable so like between 8and 9 I can winde down. I havnt been pulling out my bed recently either which I think Im not uncomfortable on the couch but hey. Then theres food my diet is all crazy and weird and reckless right now just bc the budget. On the topic of endurance we were talking last night nDea and I and he mentioned again as he does often he wants LTR permant and he reminds me if I dont think this is gonna work let him know ASAP. Althou I want him. he said he worries or is concerned bc I keep telling him if the future isnt with me he is an amazing man and will be easily snatched he says that I make him think I dont think its gonna work out or I dont want it too. Anyhow we started talking a bit more about it and it's not that its just I never knew this was possible and that it blows me mind to imagine and he's so perfect for me in a lot of ways. I want to be with him he appreciates me he is well mannered he has never insulted or belittled or judged me even in my quirks I even told him floors freak me out forget it do not put a vaccum or mop in my hand. I think lightbulbs are gross. Just all kindsa shit that I come with he isnt alarmed or judging. I told him how my disability was automaticly approved based on a low IQ alone I was automaticly in that they never even considered the physical. He doesnt believe that i'm not that smart. He believes me that I was given the iq test and all that and thats the diagnosis but he doesnt think I'm stupid. Anyhow we were talking about marrigaes he asked me if I was into big wedding and no honestly no it's never been my vision and then I had to tell him that basicly I'm not gonna have anyone there my friends have pretty much given up on me over and over again I'm a joke. Which makes sence I deserve it but if I tell them Im just gonna get a spcheel and cation and cocernen noone will be happy for me or believe this is sincere plus theres the fact he lives with another woman and is a bit older than me and well he's the maintemence person which previsouly JK was maitnemence until I started dating him. So I get it red flags I'm a little embarssed at myself anf feel like I cant start annoucing anything till it all comes together but imnot exspecting friedn support. AS much as I like my friends to be fair I dont ever see anyone excepet yLindse and then wekk nKathell and her husband took me in during the sept smoke occasionaly eMichell will text me. Honestly I feel like I blew it with aJessic and I did not reach out to yJud this week. iPatt is a tough one to relate too but I love her but I know I'm probaly exhausting. My family I feel cool about letting know what up with nDea bc well IDK its whatever they all ready know I'm nuts. But anyhow so just thinking long term here and I do want this and OMG my dream is that someonehow I'd be free from TY and married in a relationship that honors the LORD. specially since my lack of self control. But thats not a motive for nDea I truly love the man for who he is and I've always had a vested interest his day before I even knew he was an option. Anyhow getting long winded so with yLindse she did get a diagnoisis or least an aswer and the doctor put her on a med. I dont kow if I completly agree but she said that spefic condtion runs in her family and ehs thinks its possible so I have been researching a little what shes going thru. I think I'm ready soon to tell her to take a break on Wendsdays and not worry about me bc i have nDea but I'm still hesistant althou this week for sure I want him to take me we are going out thurday anyway so no need to burden her plus I'm worried about her I know these are stressful time and shes been very genrous with her time. I will be sad bc Idk what freindship looks like if we dont have a reason to get together ever week and I'm still not super estatic about texting. So for right now my plan is to just tell her I have a ride this week . I also still am worried that nDea may fail me embarssingly and i will be high and dry for sure bc my own stupidy. I think I have to let that go thou bc id I want to be with him he needs my confindence too. I shouldnt hold back. And last thing on endurance today is that well I just keep wanting to bury my head in the sand and live a cooshy life like I"m entitled to all the comforts I cant do without and let's say it comes a time when I have to choose between GOd and jail what am I gonna do is whining gonna save. I dont feel prepared to endure I have an diffult time praying for endurance I generlay pray for aviodance of any discomfort. Its not right and I need to really think about all that and know what my commitment is where is my heart and soul. Even if I endure some crud here on eart maybe grueling and heartaching maybe torture how much will it take for me to comprise at what point will I give up my soul.


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