marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2021-02-01 15:12:01 (UTC)

Wandering the desert.

I guess you could say it was a long weekend. I went back up to stay with M, but i only brought an overnight since i wasn't really sure of the reception i was going to get. True to form, my heart raced as I waited at the door for him to open it. I thought it best not to be too forward and use my key. And as expected, there was no chain on the hook that bore my name. Disappointing, but not unexpected.

So the weekend was filled with two peeps, trying to push away their sexual attractions and desires, in order to be civil and at least on his part, try to figure out what he wanted from the "us" if there is to be one. Me, i feel like a bystander, waiting for the bus. Of course, that's me, being my submissive best. If he asked, I'd prostrate myself before him before the words hit the ground.

Nights were hard. My mind would create these wildly detailed scenes of M coming into my bedroom, whixking me off to the play room and revealing all these toys and props that only my imagination could provide.

So, no real surprises that we slept separately. I'll admit here that i sat on the floor each night, listening to what he was doing, being rewarded on Saturday night, hearing him masturbate, knowing at least that there is some attraction left.

Me, i hung to my pillow, as if it was M. Thinking about it, it didn't have to be M. At this point, i just want some body. The pillow would be my lover each night, me grinding on him, taking me so close but never getting there. I had made such progress in my sexuality with Lunchie. NOw, i'm reduced to a pillow. Sucks. It all sucks.

So, we will see what my inner beast wants and where she will take me. I hope i don't wander this desert too long.

XOXO,
mariel

Thankfully, i have therapy tomorrow and maybe i can sort some of this out. I feel like a teenage girl right now. I guess breakups and could have beens don't respect age. At least I am not making my own changes to my meds. That's an advance.

I wouldn't fault any of you thinking I'm immature and fucked up. I do feel that way.




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