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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2021-02-01 07:21:23 (UTC)

Back up plan - Petals of Sorrow

Another day
Today I’m feeling like I need to take a step back
Another disappointment
And I’m sure, this entry will bite my ass....
Bit I’m not changing who I am.

Disappointment probably isn’t the correct word but I have yet to get coffee in me, it’s brewing now....

Let’s just say, the more reruns that happen over time, the more I will question if I was wrong in the past with someone I loved.
I can’t change what’s happened in the past
I can’t fix it
I’d like to think I made the correct choices
I went to bed questioning.

Unlike most,
I’m an open book.

Full of information to use against me in many ways.
I’d like to believe people are genuine however I am blind to things

I guess what I’m getting at is that I currently feel like
The Back Up Plan

I sit and observe
Despite the fact people don’t see that about me
I don’t say much about things that bug me
I really do tolerate a lot

I see some that are like a short story
The story goes as so....
A life, full of people, I mean an abundance of people. So many, that you would think, they would be completely fulfilled.
They hang onto these people because the can’t function without them
Either, because they can’t face themselves
Or because it makes them have a false self of importance and popularity
One day, despite all the people,
They will find themselves needing to depend on them
And no one will be there.
And they will look back and question themselves about all the ones no longer in their life, if one of them would have been the one to truly be there now, out of 100% true love for them.

It’s not the quantity
It’s the quality

I’m thankful
I have quality
It’s lonely
It’s satisfying
Oddly enough.

I’ve had people in my life, who expected me to be open and honest, and they felt important when I talked about issues that arose in my life.
Yet, they could not trust in me, to do the same.
It makes a person believe

1. I’m being played. That the info they have on me, is just a ploy to use against me
2. They are in the situation they are in because they were doing something they know in their gut was probably not the right thing
3. I’m just not as important in their life as they led me to believe

I’m not going to be the back up plan.
Someone might think I’m that gullible, desperate, or just plum dumb.
But, truth be told, I’m not.

When you truly care about someone, and listen and believe words they spew, and one day you get a message in a non direct way of calling for attention or help, you reach out, because you care with the depths of your heart, and then you are not trusted or told what’s going on, it kinda makes a person double think.

I’m not going to force things on people
I’m not going to demand they tell or share
But I do know myself
I will do back as I’m done to
I will not trust or confide if they can’t do the same with me

Even if, I have to make a brand new journal just so the few people I trusted with this, never get the opportunity to play the game with me
I have all my entries saved on a disk and my therapist has a printed copy
It would be so simple to delete this, start fresh, and pick a name not expected then copy and past my entries

On a different topic....
Just grabbed my coffee

Grasshopper had started giving my pros and cons yesterday.
I enjoyed it.
I, am one of the odd ducks, who, despite how painful sometimes it can be to hear, I like hearing what some think. If it’s said in a nice manor. Helps me know what things to work on as I can.
I am, always looking to improve myself.

I’m going to hop off this.
I’m not going to be very available today.
I have a kitchen to get cleaned (had to use a back up mug because all my coffee mugs are dirty)
I want to finish getting the boxed Christmas stuff to the porch
I need to call my family practitioner for an appointment, I’m still passing blood in my urine and that lump is extremely painful
I need to call and get medication refills
I do have a scheduled appointment at 230 till 430 or so
I do want to call my aunt about funeral arrangements for my mother
I do want to withdrawal a bit today just because I’m feeling a bit uneasy and need to analyze things (just hope I don’t get stuck in my head too much like I normally do)
I do want to finish deleting pictures on my phone and tablet of someone who I still hurt deeply from.....it’s what’s best to erase them quickly from my mind
Do want to touch base a few minutes with a wonderful genuine friend who cares for me

So, a ton to do today.
Hope I have the mentality and energy to accomplish it all

And if this entry bites my ass, so be it.

Till a moment of free time......
I leave these words as an overview

Petals of Sorrow
Sweet love blooms  
blossoming under the warmth  
of another’s affections  
Yet loss is embedded in veiny stems  
Threaded with the truths of time,  
all decompose in the end.  
Even the purest and profoundest of love,
loses glimmers of shine over time.  
But if you leave beauty  
where Mother Nature planted it,  
it’s spoils birth new life.  
If cut down,  
displayed in a vase,  
it’s vibrancy slowly fades,  
it’s purpose becomes a waste,  
and it decays in vain.  

Out of selfish gain  
you cut her stem  
and buried her roots  
Careless lover,  
you leave her thirsty  
and malnourished  
Petals of sorrow  
fall as she wilts  
Don’t you hear her tears?  
Don’t you see her shaking in fear?  
Neglect slices the vein and love bleeds out  
You’re too late  
Under self absorbed  
and distracted eyes  
the last petal falls,
She withered away  
the evidence fallen flat  
shriveled massacre of her soul scooped up in your hands  
remnants of  a love condemned  
The broken glass and scattered petals,  
tossed in fits of rage  
won’t bring her back again
as the loneliness echos  
through the empty space on the bed  
The foliage of love assassinated by vanity  
haunts you in your dreams  
The beauty you emaciated  
love you wasted  
fights back  
planting a seed  
in the back of your mind  
The truth digs its roots  
with painful claws
Awoken by her phantom screams  
feeling the invisible thorns tear at your flesh  
a horror neither one of you will forget  
You could’ve had the most fragrant of loves  
Instead you live in a garden of ghosts