Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2021-01-31 06:44:00 (UTC)

My body is stinging and burning

Dear stranger,

There's a burning feeling all over my body- kind of like anxiety- and it's stinging me. I know what's making me like this, but I'd prefer not to talk about it- not even in my diary. This is definitely something that I'm going to talk about with my therapist. Well, I guess this is what a diary is for, but I guess since I'm talking to someone who I met through this diary, I feel like I have to show my best self in a way- now I can see the cons in talking to someone who reads something personal of mine. I'm still in the comfort that this person still doesn't know what I look like, where I live and where I go to uni- there's comfort in not being known. But there's also a comfort in pretending something isn't happening. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

DMVs give me a lot of anxiety- an abnormal amount. I failed my driving test twice already- the first time for making a right turn through a red light when a car was coming (which my mom rushes me to do, so that's what I was used to- now I know that I shouldn't have done that and should have waited like a patient person) and the second time because I went into a bike lane without looking over my shoulder (which I didn't know about)- both automatic fails. After that, I got some trauma from hitting a curb a couple of time- the same curb at the same time- at night and almost got into a car accident (my hand moved when I was looking over my shoulder to change lanes)- but I should be positive- I didn't get into a car accident in the end. Both of those driving tests happened when I was 18-years-old and after that incident, I was scared to touch the wheel. After a while, I drove alone/illegally because I noticed that I ran the most red light and stop signs (because I didn't see them) because of my mom arguing with me and trying to get into fights with me while I'm driving. When I'm alone, I can drive fine and no issues occur- but when I'm with her, the worst comes out of me. So I've been driving illegally since I was 18, slowly but surely. Then when I turned 20, I thought at last, well if I can't drive with my mother, then I'm going to have to pay someone to teach me to drive safely and legally by giving me lessons, and they're going to take me to the DMV for my driving test too without telling anyone about it- my parents won't know, my siblings won't know, my friends or acquaintances won't know, etc.- no one would know but me.

I don't know why, but I always feel like I have to explain myself. The reason I waited so long was because I was so busy before and tired- that I felt like I was going to fall asleep behind the wheel at any moment. Along with that late night trauma. Also, I guess I just had so much anxiety about the topic that I never really wanted to face it. I felt shame in a way- because everyone else did it so easily yet I was here struggling with it. I just never felt ready, until I forced myself to just schedule the lessons which really fucken helped- I'm not even fucken kidding. Like my instructor is so freaken nice and I felt so comfortable with her- I've never felt so much comfort while driving with anyone other than when I was alone. I learned a lot from her and I remember once someone tried teaching me how to reverse park and I could never do it [we practiced for an hour]- they were probably really bad at teaching. When she taught me, I did it right the first try and whenever I get the chance to reverse park, I do it. So it wasn't a waste.

Eventually, my family found out I was getting lessons and since they know this is a VERY touchy subject for me, they left it at that. Honestly, I've grown a lot of confidence behind the wheel- I just need my license at this point so I'm not driving illegally anymore. Even my instructor told me that I know how to drive, but that I just need to grow my confidence- I told her about my mom and she gets it. I was planning on taking my driving test in December, but it was canceled due to covid and the DMVs weren't going to open until February. My appointment was automatically rescheduled for sometime in February and it now gave me instant anxiety [I got the email yesterday]. I don't like driving with people I don't feel comfortable with- but I'll have to if I want my license. So I'll say it once again- if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If I fail my test again and no one knows about it, does it really make an impact? I didn't tell anyone who knows me about my struggle with getting my license and if someone who knows me knows about it, they know that this is a sensitive topic for me that shouldn't be taken lightly. No one knows though. It's no ones business after all either. It's no ones business whether or not I get my license. If I fail, that's no big deal- I'll just need to keep trying until I get it- I just need to pass once and that's it. And it's not like I am struggling financially. I have enough money to afford another lesson and afford another trip to the DMV with my instructor again- I have plenty for many many tries. Money isn't the issue. It's just my self-esteem, confidence and emotions that really take a toll. So this is what I'm going to do, if the tree falls, I am also going to act like it didn't make a sound until it really doesn't make a sound [because it's upright]- then I'll tell my family. I need a list- I like things being visual.

Pros: No one will know that I failed my test again; I can try for however many times possible without anyone knowing [only the driving school and the DMV will know- but what do they care- they don't matter in my life]; This will help me practice the skill of living in the moment instead of living in the future; I don't really need to go anywhere; I have a car waiting for me [my father's gift to me]; I have a ton of stories from when I took the bus that are very entertaining
Cons: I'd have to spend more money [but money isn't an issue]; my mental health will take a toll [I can resolve this my combating my worries like I am right now]; this is limiting my opportunities [I need at least one semester to understand this accounting/business stuff, so this won't be too hard unless it's virtual then go for it]; I don't like driving with people- what if someone asks to come along with me to lets say the store or a food place [that's something to worry about in the future... and you could also simply say no- easier said than done, I know]

Maybe this is a genetic thing- Chase is 25 and still doesn't have his license either- I wonder if he has the same problem. But he always tells me that he doesn't really need it. I wish he had one so this would be easier and wouldn't be so emotionally draining. I'll be the first out of my siblings to get a license- hopefully- and I was also the first to go to uni out of all my siblings. I've had more firsts than my siblings, which makes me feel bad for them- I hope they get their experiences and that they enjoy them. It's easier for me since I'm a woman and I know how to talk to people- also guys tend to invite me to places- it's easier for me, I know.

This is just the child inside me that's acting up. My body is still stinging and burning- I'm shocked I don't have hives. Once this is done, it'll finally be over and I might even go to get some delicious pizza and burgers after lol. I'll make a list of rewards for going through all this emotional turmoil- I told myself before that I was going to get a tattoo, buttttt I can't do that- probably when I graduate uni because my mother would disown me if I do. New rewards- pizza, burgers and snacks- I think this fits well. I love food so much... I'm safe. I'm secure. I'm okay. There's still more I want to talk about, but they're of a different topic so I'll post it as a separate entry. Thanks for reading to the end if you did. That's all for now.

From yours truly,
Karma Rose

P.S. Austin was pretty annoying. He kept saying I was upset, even though I wasn't- I was seriously smiling the whole time cuz I was thinking of something [not of him- it was just a random thought]. He said so much crap though *rolling my eyes*. Lemme give you some excerpts from him: "I told you I can't make guy friends cuz dudes cant message dudes its gay lmaoo, I made friends (girls obviously) n I didn't tell them or want to do anything that I did with you cuz we clicked, they're just friends"- *rolling my eyes* this guy is annoying. Probably thinks I'm easy. Man, I coulda ruined him- too bad I'm a decent human being. "...I didn't sleep with anyone."- Ummm, I didn't ask and you're not my boyfriend lmao. "...the really beautiful friend kinda likes me. I'm not as bad as youre making me out to be."- I didn't even say anything about him to seem bad in any way! I just said that women are careful cuz guys can be fucken weird- especially on dating apps- he took that way too personal. And good for him- why doesn't he date that beautiful friend?- annoying prick. "Im friends with people I dont rush anything."- oh are you sure about that bud. "I didn't rush you either you just took it wrong... I got a handjob from my ex but that doesnt even count I was just in a bad spot n im single so its fine i dont judge anyone else."- Bruuuuhhh even in the beginning of the convo, I told him that I don't fucken own him and that he isn't my boyfriend so he can live his life and not explain himself to me. *sigh* honestly, I think he got intimidated by me and started getting all defensive. "Then you dont have to talk to me im not making you do anything."- bruh, I know. I'm not a fucken child and I don't need you telling me the obvious. "Well I can tell youre not happy"- bruh, I was smiling like I said in the beginning because I was thinking of something [not related to him] and I was super nice too... guys are such dicks. He's too immature for me and isn't willing to understand my thoughts or feelings at all- he's too narrow minded and childish. *rolling my eyes* so I just told him that I wasn't interested in him and that he's a total turn-off. He's done and over. See, the worst thing is that I told him the issues he has, yet he completely ignored what I said and acted like he was ALWAYS right- these kinds of people are so annoying. You see, at least I take the time to reflect on myself and am willing to admit when I'm wrong. He also didn't get my metaphors/symbolism and also misunderstood my stuff. Whelp. Like I said, I should probably focus on accounting.
Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwPDJj9bSj0&ab_channel=Halsey-Topic
Someone will love you. Someone will love you. Someone will love you, but someone isn't me.

The burning doesn't sting that much anymore... I feel kinda sad though... Whelp. That's life. In the end, I have to save myself.




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