༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻
Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
I did not want to wake up.
Had to force myself out of bed.
Looked out the frosted window and see the mound of white shiny snow blanketing the driveway.
I turn over, unable to shut my mind off, and decided to make a phone call.
Nervous, I dialed, and, he answered.
Was a nice conversation.
I admitted to struggling last night.
I just am not able to lie to people, as much as I want to be bitter, cold, callous, and heartless, I just don’t have it in me.
I just don’t seem to have the ability to be that.
Always believed I could transform, like a transformer, but sadly, there’s a light deep in the bottom of my heart and soul that is very dim but still shines that keeps me from being those things.
I’m still struggling with the pain, heartbreak, anger, but, despite those feelings, I’m smiling. Not a psycho way, but an admirable way.
I have, in my lonely isolated world, a little grasshopper, who I sit and watch and admire. So charming, and funny, energetic, passionate, cheerful, and I’m greatfull that that grasshopper is sitting within reach of me.
I’m too scared to reach tho. So I will sit within reach. And I know, that grasshopper will wait and guide me even if we don’t touch.
It makes me want to cry. Honestly.
*fighting tears as I write*
That someone would truly care enough.
I don’t often feel worthy.
I feel broken, damaged, shattered, un repairable.
All the pain builds like a volcano erupting.....and just floods my insides. I feel it building. I get the pressure inside, it feels overly heavy.
Despite everything, I hold on to a dream.
A dream of finding a soul to connect with.
I mentally, have drawn and built this beautiful shaped and colored eraser.
When a certain painful picture pops into my mind, I grab that eraser ✏️ and start erasing, slowly, and say as I’m erasing, you are not worthy to be here.
I hope I can continue that with other things as well.
Not everything can be that simple.
However, the pain left from inconsiderate people, should be erased. They don’t deserve to stay in my heart or soul or my mind. They aren’t paying rent, so the eviction needs to happen (mentally speaking)
I’m going to crawl out of bed, start grinding enough coffee beans for my morning coffee, grab my men’s size 10 1/2 boots, and shovel the front area by the door and put a few cups of salt down.
Then grab a cup of coffee, and grab a shower to warm up, and roll from there.
Think I’m going to just write today. Maybe grab my pencil and book, and sketch something today. Or I will just sleep. Will see how it goes.
I cried and I begged
I tried and I bled
I fought and I clawed
I thought and I read
I'm lone and in misery
I'm grown but a mystery
I'm small but a lion
I'm silent but a siren
A wish in the making
A niche in an awaking
A bird in a comfy nest
A herd starts the quaking
The truth impossible to see
The proof impossible to believe
The lie told to write this story
The unfortunate soul without the glory