༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2021-01-30 10:01:52 (UTC)

10:10pm continued


10:10pm

Been feeling off this afternoon since I woke from my 4 hour nap.
Something isn’t right.
My gut tells me something is a red flag, to be aware, or something is wrong.

I know the spirit is here, I got the coldness for a few, even with the heat blanket on high, I felt ice like chill in the air.

Was on the phone with grasshopper, gave my description of myself as the tea pot, and read the first few entries up to the one in French.
Grasshopper got quiet. Messaged another woman stating that fit his life. Wasn’t sure how to feel on that. I’ve always had men say I had too many male friends, even tho I have only 2 that I confide in and talk to. But wonder if I had 10 or more and took them out to eat daily would it be an issue, and if not, why.

I have a feeling, that, the large number of female outings is because of a desire to find something missing. When it’s not found, they are a back up so not to be alone.

I may be wrong.
I’m just feeling here.

Will I ever be enough?
The moment I’m not, who will he look to?

Nervous about the drinking. Just me being around the smell of it, makes me nervous. Not happening yet, but feel in time, it will. Claims it’s one or two but slipped and said drunk a few times...

Not sure why he’s around me, what he truly wants or what he’s looking for. He has a ton of other women friends who I’m sure if put together would put the puzzle together completely.

***************************************************************************************

Well, I dozed off tor 3 hours, and it’s 801am. I need to get trash and recycling takin care of, but physically just drained. Yesterday kinda drained my body. What people take for granted is the ability to go out for an hour or two and still function later. I miss that. Even the trip to the grocery store kicks my ass for a day or two later. It bites.

Going to go make coffee and step outside to see how cold it is and go from there.

Was in a bit of a panic because I checked my balance and realized after paying my plate renewal I’m going to be 130 short for my rent. I wasn’t figuring in the extra charges they throw on the price of the plate renewal. So instead of being 82$ it was 96$ something. You’d be surprised how an extra 20 something throws me off by a ton because my credit card payment comes out automatically and I wasn’t thinking that when I purchased the plates.
*deep sigh*
Come on state check, get here please so I can cover my bills. I took a credit hit because I missed my second credit card payment. Second missed payment in my full history. Bites. Bites I thought I’d have rent on time this month.

Well grasshopper is read to Long Day. Never had someone other than my doctors or DD2 ‘want’ to actually read them.

Other than that, chatted with grasshopper again last night a bit. I had an entry I didn’t want to read, was a fear issue, but grasshopper was right on target about why I should read it and if we didn’t today we would tomorrow and reassured me it would not be an issue, so I had read it and we discussed it and it went well.
*smiles*
It really feels good and makes me want to cry literally knowing, someone I hold close to me in arms distance wants to be a part of my healing and finds my writings a perfect way of us growing together. I’ve never had that. I enjoy the fact grasshopper will ask on his own, did you journal today? And will ask me to read it to him and we discuss it. It’s not easy for me at all, but gets easier the more it happens and builds a trust for me. But also makes me feel a little vulnerable.

I had a bad nightmare last night. Woke myself up in tears and was in a panic. My son was there. He was about 10 years old. But what’s odd, there was another child, an infant as well....his brother or sister (the nightmare never distinguished) I remember I was screaming and being held down and two people were taking my kids. Odd, because I don’t have a younger child under him. So not sure what’s going on with the nightmare. Wondering if it is a reference to when my kids were kidnapped when I was in Mississippi at the homeless shelter.

Still nothing from Indio. Been trying to not think about him......I clearly mean nothing to him. Why can’t I forget?
(Brb)
835am on the phone with grasshopper.

Well I guess we have freezing rain coming today so I have to get up and get a few things from town and should take a bag or two of trash and recycling as well.
So will finish this later.



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