Solitary Reaper

Empty From Inside
2021-01-29 18:39:48 (UTC)

Smile

Recently, I find myself staring at profile picture's of all the contacts I have on Whatsapp. It seems to be a subconscious act, as soon as I see the profile pic I get a dense feel in my heart which fades away as I get aware of what I did just now. I have seen people smiling foolishly just from imaging the face of the special one in their life but I can't understand that emotion. I have seen others putting up a smile on their face and getting photo clicked and put it as profile. They seems to be smiling so freely that is also just for a second and here I'm who goes expressionless for days. I try to understand everyone, help everyone who comes asking to me and I myself wants to live free from anyone's help. I don't like interference in my life or activity. I'm not used to people's kindness. I always distance myself from such attachments and connections. I just want to be alone, don't know for how long but just alone so attachment, commitment or bond with anyone. I don't understand what fears me more, the past memories which haunts me every second of my life or the thought of what my future holds for me or the present where I'm writing all these thoughts on a virtual diary just to delete it forever one day. I deleted almost every memory of my past which I could. I was never being able to form a emotional bond with anyone so it never hurt me when they leave me and get busy with their own life. And the last bond which I might have formed and have memories of it was with aman and gaurav and it didn't took a second for that bond to break. They just blocked me out of nowhere with out a warning or hint. It can be possible that I didn't saw it coming and put my all trust in that bond but all went in veins. I'm glad both made me realize in a single day that I shouldn't have attached myself with them. It should have been one-sided as I usually keep with other, they coming to me to share their worries and leave as soon as they are done.
I'm glad I came to know about them early.