༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
Ad 2:
2021-01-28 22:15:06 (UTC)

Mi vida es mi mensaje.

Well, got up, made my chicken broccoli pasta, ate about 2 ounces. All I’ve had today. Just not hungry.

I’m suspecting I know what the lump is, Vulvar Cancer. It would make sense seeing as I had uterine and cervical already. I will pester the hell outa Dr R to get me to a specialist to get it checked. I don’t think he can, and my Gyno is almost 2 hours away and I know for fact I can not drive that.
Just the thought of it all brings back flashbacks of the last two cancer surgeries I had. Driving myself there. Crying. A complete nervous wreck. Sitting alone. No one to be there for me. Stayed in recovery for four days because I had gone into a diabetic crisis after my surgery and had to get 4 insulin injections into my stomach. Those 4 days, alone, and had to drive myself home when I was discharged.
So disheartening.
*sigh*

RP asked if I’m still going in June.
I said I’m not sure. I spoke with my disability law firm, and hope to get my disability approved by June. If so, I will find some land, buy a small home, move, and go from there. Moving would solve a few issues for me.
1. My ex’s wouldn’t know where I am for awhile.
2. No rent, place would be paid for.
3. Would be fresh and can be organized as I move in and easier to maintain.
4. No more mold and other issues.
5. I would be able to have my doctors come to my home without embarrassment.


One minute at a time.
All I can do.

I put a load of laundry in the dryer.
I will go to town tomorrow.
I have to. I have no smokes to get me through tonight, so my urges to cry and my irritation will be at an all time high.

I finally messaged DD1.
I do hope everything turns out ok. Will say a prayer that it’s nothing serious and he lives a full life. I wish him no harm. He’s like a brother to me, in a weird way. I deeply love and care for him even tho we don’t stay in touch but every few months. I got tired of feeling unappreciated.

Still nothing from Indio. Really is a rude awakening. That I could have been so blind to what really was going on. My heart will heal in time. Was a time of knowing, there are people out there, despite the history they have, that are not physically abusive. First guy I had in my life to never hit, beat, or slap me. I don’t regret the time we spent together. I grew from the pain and experience.
I do wish, he finds what he’s looking for in life. I do, hope his heart aches and rips to pieces and he’s haunted by what he lost. I’m sure that’s wrong of me, but I’d like to know my pain, was not one sided.

There comes a time, as a person grows, that they realize, toxic people they love, need to go. He has a ton to deal with. In order for any relationship to grow, both people must work together to grow.....not just one person.
I take the time to go to all these appointments to better who I am. To heal. To continue to work on improving myself. When there are people in my life, who never deal with anything, and continue to belittle me in an emotional aspect, because they are truly not happy with themselves, never make a commitment, then, they, are toxic for the person growing and trying to better themselves.

I admit, I’m not an easy person to be around. I am always over thinking, I’m always doubting, I’m always questioning, but, I am trusting, willing to compromise, always listen, think before I speak so not to hurt the other person, and I’m forgiving.
I truly am a beautiful soul.
I have a ton to offer to those in my life.
I love to spoil in the physical sense. I love to do simple things to show I care, love, adore, appreciate, and treasure the people in my life.

Not to be egotistical here....
But, in my opinion, people I let into my life, should feel honored and privileged.
I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t let people into my world often. I’m not like other women.
My flaws can be worked on, which I’m trying to do.

*deep breath*

DD3, I will try calling tomorrow after I call my doctors and run into town. Was asleep when you called.

I’m still tired.
I still have that urge to cry.
I still have fear, am overwhelmed, scared, and yet, still pushing myself to do something I’m terrified of doing.
That, is strength. Or just plum stubborn 😂

I’m going to grab another shower, remind Sheldon to do his chore, grab his medication and ponder releasing some frustration just because it may help. Not really in the mood, but, it can’t make things worse.
That’s one thing I’ve always seen as a fantasy.....
Someone to enjoy touching me, even not in a sexual manor, just human touch, genuine affection. Someone to look at me, even 5 years from now, and not have to say a word, but I can see, truly see, that they love me with their whole heart, adore me, appreciate me, and just can’t imagine taking a breath of air without me. I want to once in my life, find someone who lets me complete their soul. To know, I can trust them so deeply, everything is possible.
I know, it’s a lot of work, but the best things in life are worth working for.
I’d like to know, I didn’t spend 50 plus years just for other’s enjoyment of dishing out pain.

I’m kinda losing my train of thoughts here. I really am exhausted. I’m exhausted mentally, emotionally, physically, just not sexually 😂🤣

I want to know, that being around me, as boring as it may be right now, and how challenging it is, is just the cake being baked. That as I grow, and they grow with me, that bond, so genuine, so pure, will be the icing. I want to feel this last half of my life, something so wonderful, it’s like heaven. I want to feel like a goddess inside and out. I want to be placed up on a stairway, not a throne or pedestal, so that I may walk gracefully up and down the stairs, (as I grow up and down in life) and even if I trip, I can gracefully get up, and still walk with dignity and shine brighter than any gem.
I want one person wrapped arm in arm with me, to be the proudest man on earth. To know, he has the most precious gem in the world.

Blah, should I barf now? Yeah yeah, fairytale bullshit. Reality here. My mind must have been slipping into some fantasy place. Ridiculous.

*chuckles*
I may as well finish this fantasy the right way......sadly, these words come from my soul....

To lean into you, be wrapped up in you, bend you around me to experience you over my every inch.
Your name forced between gasps and sighs, through gritted teeth.
To catch your eye and see my need reflected back, my hunger and forceful desire. And the taste of you, the smell of you, the feel of your back in my clawing hands, the jawline to drag my tongue over and down your neck.
My cold, sharp teeth resting suggestively on your pulse, my mouth closing and alternating between light bites and sweet kisses.
I want to gaze into your eyes as you lose yourself to my ministrations.
My name through your gritted teeth, so sweet a tortured sigh.
Firm hands on my face frozen in want experiencing the wonders on my mouth and my teeth brush your palms, in warning, I know your needs but you will wait, taunt with overripe want.
From me to you agonizingly slow I'll not be rushed, every taste and texture, every response savored like fine cuisine.

Pure love
Mi vida es mi mensaje. = My life is my message


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