If I die today
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2021-01-28 06:58:15 (UTC)

I have a boyfriend

So lifes a little sticky n messing what a tangled mess I weave but while I dont have courage to announce to everyone I know bc well I'll be chastised for my craziness and oh boy did I dig this one deep . So to clear the air OMG where to start. I told tScot yesterday by text aht I was seing someone and it was serious so he replied he knew this was gonna happen then mentioned writing a song about healing from being trafficed and so I ended that conversation but I think I hurt his feelings he's been wanting to get together for a while and yesterday we planned for tommorow (today) but I felt horrible bc I know he has the biggest crush on me and I couldnt bear telling him so I texted him back just sayin I was seeing someone and I didnt know it was gonna happen and that Its serious and I will not be available. Althou ok theere was never a chance ofhim being with me. He's a great friend but isnt self supproting doesnt take care of himself and isnt socially emtionally all there sad to say. Not to be mean at all I should cut the cord long ago knowing that so Im sorry.. Ok so about the boyfriend here's the I would say drama but its very diffrent than my usual

I've been dating nDea for a few weeks now and I love him. We mostly hand out here but we doe as much as we can with ya know the panameic restritcitons he buys me coffee or even treats to meals reguallry. yesterday we ran to get fruit bc I asked him too and then he asked me if I wanteed cofee and then we drove to the park and sat there n hugged n talked. So there will be sex I bet and lots of it but he's had some health concerns and has been hesistant so we had sex once and thats that but we're not just hangin around humping. Ndea has worked here for a very long time now I want to say since March but maybe a month or 2 later . Remebr Feb 10 was when hJosh got fired so inbetween there was weeks and weeks of no maitmence and random strange men dinkin around here .. Althou that one hispanic guy was great but thats neiter here nor there. Anyhow's so when he first started there was no office manganger either so just him and I started talkign to him one day just to be friendly and sorta outta boredem it was summer/spring ish so were were all outside and then he used to spend time talkin to me and fClif outside. And of course helping me fixing me randon stuff so I got to learn his wife/girlfriend had cancer and was sick and he is soleny taking care of her and literally he always said wife or girlfriend or used both words together saying my girlfriend wife or wifegirlfriend and sometimes adding whatever. When she is sick he just looks so rough and beat down. So I never really considered him for dating but I rember in August well by then I was all horny and well I know in my heart hJosh didnt like me so I considered well maybe he's got a weird deal and we can just have get together bc I like him and I know him. I rember talking to hEdit about him and she did say he's cute and that I should talk to him. I never put him in that situation thou. Also I mean I used to be so sad when I saw him sad and his GF's health failing I wanted to help them. I rember telling yLindsey I think this last time waa right arounf tthanksgiving I just got her in car basicly wanting to cry told her the maintmence's wife and sick again he's the sole caregiver for her and he's so beat down and anyhow we prayed for him and his wife. So here's the real deal a few weeks ago I was bored and sorta just pestering him for things but in the cutest way bc well I'm meee. then the office closed and I needed to bring his wood glue back so I invieted myself into the aprtment he was working in and asked if I could see it and then well started asking about that apartment and from there we spent an hour or 2 just hangin out in there not even touching or close nothing weird we were talkin listening to music and stuff. Then IDK if it was that day or a day later he told me ya know if you ever need to go anywhere u can ask me. I can take you I just rember you mentioned its hard for you . So of course I had an allergic reaction that weekend and needed more meds Monday soo guess who I asked. Then on the way home from the store poor man he got so anxious word stumbling n all its quite cute he asked if I wanted coffe so I was in and then we were driving arounf he told me he goes I bet you think I have a wife and am madly in love and all this I said well it sounds like it but I've been thinking maybe theres something I dont know. So here's what he exsplained to me without me sharing all his info he had been with her 20years ago they met at a bar and she says she couldnt' get pregant and then she did and from there he couldnt leave bc the daughter and then she got sick. There is no i love you he has never offered to marry her or commited to her. He doesn't want to be with her but cant abadon her and feels sorry for her bc she's sick. SO anyhow from there we kept talking I still thought all right I can just get together with him until I find my man but he was steern he said no no I like you when I first saw you my heart jumped it came alive he said I didnt know I could ever feel this way again or wanted this. He told me he's not looking for just a piece of ass its a serious commitment. Then next day I told him I'm in and that well I wanted to same things too I just didnt know it was possible with him. So anyhow marching forward he's working on changng his living sitiation its a bit much his daughters mother isnt takin any steps herself to make arrangements but he's helping push that along and in the future we dont know how long away his daughter will be getting a place and is wanting to take her in. anyhow he's been telling me for days now he's fallin in love with me. and i do love him he's all the man I ever wanted that I never knew I wanted but should I just die off well I do love him and he's an amazing person and its not what it looks like just from the outside. The other thing is I cant tell all my friends or everyone i know bc my history I know people willl be hard on me and wonder why its moving so fast and reming me of past mistakes and failures and then theres to top it off he's living with another woman an is more than 15years older than me. so it's diffuclt but I suppose if things come together then well if I loose people then maybe they werent my friends in the first place and if things fall apart least noone really knows saved myself another embarssment. I speficlly asked him yesterday and I think he didn't understand or percieve that Im scared shitless that I'm misunderstanding bc yea know my brian doesnt pick up on the noraml stuff I didnt wanna misinturpet so I aksed and he said he is my boyfriend. So thats that. Okay I cant sit right here and type much more right now my brain is starting to scramble but he's mine I wanna be his