Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2021-01-27 20:49:00 (UTC)

A Plan

Dear stranger,

I'm sitting up on my bed with my knees pushing my laptop up and my cat on my chest. I'm going to meet with my psychiatrist now. LMAO gosh, why am I so depressed... Why do I still feel like there's something wrong with me... I'm even crying right now. Who's ever going to love someone broken like me? I even cried during one of my zoom lectures- good thing my camera was off. I need to chill. Why am I even crying? The problems that I have are solvable. Sure, it'll take some patience, but at least they can be solved. Why do I feel like anyone I talk to will hurt me- especially with new people I talk to. *sigh* I need to chill the fuck out. Breathe. I think I might have to go back to meditation.

There's a part of me that is repeatedly screaming, "Why can't you see I'm in pain?" Ridiculous.

I feel like I'm breaking down. Breathe. Okay, I need a plan- I like structure after all.

1. Make a list of shit that is stressing the fuck out of me.
2. Watch a mini episode of 'The Sound of Your Heart' [the Korean version- not the reboot- that one looks kinda lame. Also, my favorite episode is the first one sooo watch it and tell me your thoughts if you want- :)- I mean, do you like it?]
3. Do task after task that is on my list and after every task, reward myself with some snacks and a mini episode of my favorite show. Especially, eat that delicious blueberry eggo cereal that you have.
4. Read a chapter of 'You are a Badass' by Jen Sincero- this book motivates me to become better, become more confident, and the writing just makes me happy *sniff*. Also, read a chapter of 'The Courage to Heal'. Maybe read an article from the magazine Breathe. [Just read one chapter from one of these sources if you want and move on to the next step.]
5. Talk to Chase about my crappy feelings and force your brothers to possibly play a board or card game with me *sniff*- cry if you have to. [Yes, I am a 20-year-old crying to my brothers for attention- leave me alone. Hopefully, I won't have to cry- usually though, they pity me enough to do what I want when I cry though hehehe]
6. If my feelings are truly unbearable, I need to message the crisis line.

Rules:
-Stop listening to depressing music- that's lame.
-Listen to the song 'Wake Up' by Elaine on repeat until you feel better- if needed, re-watch the show 'It's Okay to Not Be Okay'- of course, little bits after each task is done.

Well, it's time to meet with my psychiatrist. That's all for now.

From yours truly,
Karma Rose

P.S. Am I going to need more than a sedative- am I going to need a tranquilizer? LMAO, I'm joking.




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