Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2021-01-26 19:12:00 (UTC)

Can someone save me?

Dear stranger,

I feel very insecure and jittery right now... I even set up a last appointment with my therapist on Thursday and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist for tomorrow. Low-key, wouldn't mind overdosing on my meds just to get away from this feeling- of course, I won't do that- who knows what'll happen and it also sounds painful. I bought some snacks- gonna let this be my salvation for a little longer. *sigh* There's a lot going through my mind. Thoughts of not being good enough. Thoughts of being worse than I was before. Thoughts of being in pain- so much pain. Thoughts of repeatedly saying in my head "STOP LOOKING AT ME" over and over again to no one in particular. Thoughts of not fitting in. Of not fitting the mold. Of making the wrong decision. Of not knowing enough- I'm not very bright after all. Of being someone that people dislike- for whatever reason. Maybe people are right about me. They don't want me to be happy, so maybe I shouldn't be- gosh, this sounds so ridiculous. Why am I always thinking of other people and comparing myself to others... This is ridiculous. I seriously debated messaging the crisis text line, but I don't have a lot of time to just wait for someone to message me- I have another meeting at noon. Sometimes, I wish someone could save me. Maybe that's why I always seek to be in a relationship, so I can just tell myself that at least one person in this world loves me while everyone else... I don't know... misunderstand me. Having someone makes me feel better about myself. Too bad- no one is going to save me this time and it's probably for the best that they don't- I'm a mess right now and I'm going to have to clean it up myself. I have to head to my meeting now and have to read some material. Man, I feel like I really suck.

My older brother came into my room to talk to me about life stuff- about food, security, movies, and some stuff that is really bothering me. This is what he said:

"Karma, I'm sure you're not the only retard to mess it up."- Chase 2021

This made me feel better. I need to just focus on myself. *breathe* Okay, that's it for now.

From yours truly,
Karma Rose




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