If I die today
Ad 2:
2021-01-26 07:39:56 (UTC)

what its like

gheeze this is diffuclt if I die today I dont know if theres anything new I would want to declare 1st. No reall major concerns or complaints that would be worth leaving the world with. Still havnt gotten in touch with my sister. Havnt tried to call Judy again since the last time with no answer. eAnn has beeon on my mind but IDK I'm so over texting well unless its nDea I suppose. I feel a bit distance from God but he still helps me and I'm still provided for so I guess that means something. noting new or intersting health wise althou I am not constiapted which feels good bc who wants to be bloated and all that plus I think I get cranky when shit aint movin. Right now I'm not too ambitous about anything just sorta living. The idea of bringing the community together or ya know tryin to do something nice seems to have fizzled away defintly with the crime I think I've shut down my desire to start a free little library I"ve been more distrubed and upset lately about the neighborhood and can see how having that waould cause more traffic and more oppruinty for things to upset me. I'm still a little sad about yLindse and the whole store thing I feel like I'm burndeing her and right now I can put all my chips on nDea bc really idk where thats going. I really want to be a friend to so I'd like an excuse to get together but Ithink next month I'm not going to suggest the store to her till really really have to and we already agreed one time a month. I odnt want to burden her I still feel embarassed how horrble shopping is for me and the time consumption and I guess I'm a little ass and I dont know how to un take adavatage to how to show her she is appreciated and I like her for more than just my personal choffer thats my friend and she's definlty someone to admire and to look to to be encouraged in the LORD . I have a lot of respect for her and I dont know how to appreciate her. Oh and the vaccumm OMG so embarssing but I forze up and didnt wanna be a jerk or hateful hEdit made it and came with the vaccum it was a full on powerful large good one. SMH and when she handed it to me wouldnt ya know I turned around and said um I'm orry Id ont know what to do with this. SO she offered to vaccum. OMG still emabrassing. Then the vacum kept tripping my breaker and I pretned to be interested in what she was doing and moved stuff and commented blah blah as if I'm ever gonna vacum one day I'm patheic. When she went to leave she offered to come back witht h vaccum again.. _facepalm_ OMg people leave my life alone I know people mean well but damit theres nothing wrong with my robot vaccum sure it could be better but who gives a dam its me. How awful and insulting is that to have ur friend need to vaccum your dam floor. Wth? My life. I still feel bitter and substandarded and embarassed and wish I was functional. Did I ever mention so when my dishwasher broke for lack of term lets call it a meltdown I totally couldnt fucntion. For the purpose of autism we will call it a meltdown as an adult. So like I couldnt even vacuum bc well I couldnt wash dishes and since that was routine my braian was exsploding so embarssing and everytime I would ask for help.. help LEARNING HOW TO FUNCTION the olny thing people here is dishwasher and dishes and yeah I had a few people offer to wash my dishes.. UGH discuiting its like why do I bother to try to exsplain my needs to anyone. My hearts desire I mean shit I could take all my dishes throw that shit away and I'd still be me. I never let anyone wash my dishes and as things are well I really suck at washing dishes but really havnt figured out how a dishwasher fits in my budget so I try to generly aviod letting anyone use my dishes unless I'm abostly sure . But it took me weeks to get into a new routine and not cry inside when I cant understand why I cant get a dam dish all the way clean. When I tried during that tiem to find help for autism well bc the covid bullcrap nothing was really fully open but its like thee olny services were more socal functions which do me no good specially since I'm not gonna wear a self suffication device. Which by law least here all autistic people can be medical exspect as well but I found other medical excpetions for myself alos. Anyhow also I just wanna learn to funtion and understtand why I'm so uncomfortable and why it seems to me on a functional level most people are uncomfortable with my hosting as far as my hosptiality. I just feel like I have nothing to offer . I also see i'm constantly in these determental trainwreck friendships and relationships and I feel like theres something I'm missing. I"d like to learn. Then I get the suggestion oh well volunteer well shit where or how can i volneterr with my allergies no transportion and remeber i'm not gonna particapte in self suffocation and then theres also the whole stability thing as far as energy and bp i'd never chose to rely on myself fully. I also well if I dont know how to do something unless your gonna work with me one on one and be very spefic I'm sooo lost. I cant just walk in a room and start cleaning or anything like that. I need to know what to do and how and even sometimes why. Its a trainreck. Anyhow theres some thoughts for the day

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