Pen to Keyboard
My new place
As I'm still heavily debating on what to do with my relationship (I feel like it's the right thing to break up but I also really don't want to), I need to gather where I'm at with the rest of the group so I can avoid as many surprises as possible. By evaluating my standing I can make decisions that reflect where I am and not make anything worse.
Starting with E: Everything is of course going to be fine there. E is well established in the group to where he has independence there so it doesn't matter if I'm around or not, he'll still be there. I haven't told him anything else and I won't be doing so. No doubt he'll reach out if he hasn't seen me in a while. The only one who is a true ally to me because he got in to the group through me and has no other ties to anyone else.
L: We haven't had a lot of chance to speak 1 on 1. L seems to just be chilling, she's doing her own thing and is on the outside of everything. To her the drama is over and that's where she needs to stay, away from it all. I'd be wise to not bring anything more to her as she's been deep within all my BS for too long. She's A's best friend so that's another layer. L is concentrating on her new relationship so I need to keep a professional and thoroughly non-personal acquaintanceship with her. She has no problems speaking to or being around me but I shouldn't push boundaries.
B: B has been an incredibly loyal friend to me. It's no doubt I still had some trust issues but I'm realising it was for nothing and she really is as trustworthy as she seems. At least, I don't have any evidence to dispute otherwise and I don't really care to explore because there's nothing to find without digging up old things. As with L, I've dragged B in to enough drama with me so it's time to leave her alone there. B is communicative with me but I need to keep up the appearance that everything is fine and ok so that she is not clued in to any of it. Positive only. Again I should keep the friendship on a certain level and not push any boundaries as she's still in the group.
G: We're clearly not friends anymore. Since returning he has not made/initiated any contact with me whatsoever. Aside from clarifying everything that happened, I had checked up on him several times but the last time we spoke was the 10th. When he was around he made sure to not be in the server everyone else was in. He's clearly avoiding everyone (or just me?) and isn't up for talking. Because he is BFFs with K and is in love with her I simply can't trust him. Whilst I want to trust he's not talking shit or anything, that's his friend and I'm a newcomer so I'm not going to hold my breath for any faithfulness or loyalty from him. Surprisingly I'm still a mod but I don't think I want to try and initiate any contact with G whatsoever. I think I'm happy to let that friendship die really. I've taken too much so now it's time to just leave him alone. If he wants to talk to me then he will but our friendship is not the same. As of now just assume that we're not friends.
F: We're not friends. He doesn't even hang out around anyone anymore.
AL: We're not really friends. We can definitely hang out though. I've never had a close friendship with AL and never told him much things at all aside from the one time. He's always late to the drama but hasn't made any comments or complaints about it. I can be around him and it's chill but that's that. I already know how he feels about me in regards to everybody else but at the same time who can even take his word for gospel since he expressed he dislikes K but joined her discord? There is no loyalty to me and I can't expect it. Only loyalty to the inner circle so that that as someone who is not really a friend, more an acquaintance and definitely not somebody to trust or confide in.
RF: He never responded to my last message. I've been noticing that RF has hardly been around the group and that when he is he's completely quiet. He never asks for everybody to get together and play something anymore. He's also been back in his server most of the time. This is pretty suspicious to me. My guess is he's around in the main server when AK is and then bounces when AK does. He's been around AK a lot and I think it's because he's supporting AK through everything. Because of this they're both taking their distance from the group. RF has always been a wholesome, supportive guy but he is AK's friend, not mine so therefore not an ally to me. His priority is going to be AK over me so I should leave him well alone unless he speaks to me.
AY: She follows everything with RF. She's not involved in anything so just leave her there and say/tell her nothing. I usually don't so I won't start now.
TT: I messaged a polite message today to ask how she's doing but I am reluctant to tell her anything also. She is in the second group and got dragged in to our group's mess. I think I've done enough there. I don't want to always bring drama especially when she's dealing with her own stuff. TT has very much not been around the group and been elsewhere lately. As for where, I don't know. Everyone is in servers that I'm not in whereas almost every server I'm in has the group in them. It's clear TT has just been doing her own thing so aside from a polite checking in every now and again I should also leave her alone.
AK: He's stopped speaking to me almost completely. When looking back through our conversation I've initiated first 80% of the time. Most of the time he does not even ask me how I'm doing after I've asked him. He gives me short answers and the conversation ends really quickly. He's been avoiding the group a bit by mainly being with RF. As mentioned above, I think he's confiding in RF at the moment. It's clear AK does not want to talk to me. He hardly interacts with me, only in fleeting moments. The time it was just me and him at first he seemed engaged and I began to think I was nuts and everything was fine but right afterwards nothing I said could garner a response. I switched through topic after topic and pretty much got ignored. He just stopped responding and this is all verbal. Feeling that I had overstayed my welcome I left. It's hurtful and painful that that's gone and I can't do anything about it. I'm out just like that. There's nothing more I can say or do and AK seems to be on a path of trying to really leave me in the dust and live without me. Nothing I can do there, that friendship is lost.
A: We're still together but I'm of course still debating if we should be. Everything is a huge mess and my mind is extremely undecided all the time. I guess that's even more reason to cut things off if I'm not totally sure, right? After I do that I have no idea where I'll stand. There's no way I can still hang around the group like normal, that's a straight up 'no'. I have no idea if he'll be around or pull away. It's tricky. He won't be happy that's for sure. I know RF, L and B will support him so he'll be fine. (Not like with R where no one supports him because they dislike him). I'd have to definitely give him time and not even pretend like I can still speak to him afterwards for a long time. Let him approach me, which he won't.
So overall, I'm not in great standing and not in great position. I also can't turn to anybody now. It's me on my own or with outside help only. T ignored me today so not sure what is going on there. I've used up everything with Shebestie so no more talking about it there and a plan was made with M so I either execute it or don't but I for sure don't come back with my tail inbetween my legs.
I've never felt this way in my life for so long.
Always on guard, always suspicious. Always wondering how many favours I have with people, who I can tell what to. Always formulation my moves and responses, always reflecting on what I've done and feeling bad about it after. The longer I stay with the group the more out of place I feel. I continue to feel like I'm overstepping boundaries and constantly bringing drama and shit. I swear I'm usually no drama at all! Or am I? Probably am. Well I'm feeling immensely insecure, nervous and scared. I know I should break up with A since I'm not focusing on the relationship and my brain has been elsewhere but I don't want to because it will feel like I've lost everything. Maybe that's what I need?
I've been debating leaving the group for a while. I didn't because AK made it sound like I'd be a huge ungrateful bitch if I did but it was always in the back of my mind. Face it, I'm not very comfortable anymore. I don't want to throw everything away but at the same time I keep constantly feeling like I'm overstaying my welcome. 4 months of constant crap. CONSTANT. There's never not something going on with me, they must be tired. I know first hand how the group can be so polite to your face even if they think something totally different (exhibit a: K with how most people disliked her but never let her know). For all I know, they could be talking a lot of shit and be real tired of all my crap but refuse to tell me anything. All I know is that my brain never rests. I'm always on edge, always on guard, always thinking, never relaxing. I remember at one point I was never thinking about anything other than just having fun and now it's almost impossible to do so. I'm so paranoid, someone is always mad at me. I have so much trust issues. I want to just leave and find a new group where I can just press reset and not worry. Have another chance and do everything much better this time. No more getting personal, no more leaning on anyone for support, keeping it all in myself and just being a cool, chill person who plays games. No problems, no drama. Where I can let my guard down again and leave everything in the past. No more constantly being reminded.