Jake

Killing Lions
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2021-01-25 19:50:59 (UTC)

Lonely

It's almost 8pm. I'm in my office. It's cold, dark and there's a winter storm outside. *sigh*

What am I doing here?

Why am I not spending time with friends?

I realized that I have absolutely nowhere to go. I've become so imbedded into my work that I've lost all my social and non-running related sources of fun. Really. I thought about what do I even do? I strolled around the building listening to sad songs. I contemplated calling up my ex. I never know if it's a good idea or not. I said this in an earlier entry but I always feel sadness way, way after things happen. It takes months, but it always catches up to me.

I've always been a rather apathetic, workaholic person. I spend money on other people just to feel things. I guess that makes me a nice person?? Idk.

But yeah. Idk what I'm doing. I'm not really bored, I just crave being able to go home to a super chill roommate who I can just play video games with, watch a movie... or... something.

*sigh*

I should go home. Maybe watch some educational youtube videos to calm myself down. That's all I do lol. I don't really know what I want right now I suppose. It's all very sad.

Why do so many people not want to do anything? Why are so many people so happy just sitting at home by themselves? I remember that every single time I try to plan things to do, people will be excited and want to do it. But then, when the time gets close they always lose their interest. It's like the only way to get people to do things is get them excited and then in that moment say "let's go!!" and they'll go. But otherwise, especially over text, it's nearly impossible. Yesterday I was on this Zoom meeting, one of the girls in my group was like: "Hey, we should get together sometime, I don't know you guys that much." I was like "yeah, let's all get lunch tomorrow." Then the haggle of "oh that time doesn't work for me, and eventually it was just like: "Yeah, never mind."

This just all seems ridiculous. Like... why people?

Gah :(

I'm kind of sad about all of this. I guess I'm also trying to fit in, all I do is analyze, I don't take action enough. I'm tempted to get a beer at a bar tonight. Just to mix it up. But... honestly there's like 4 inches of snow and I don't wanna get stuck. Besides, how many people will actually be there?


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