legacy

If I die today
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Ezoic
2021-01-25 07:55:14 (UTC)

Im a little defective

Well if I die today this will be embarssing I"m streseed out freakin out reall bad right now in antispaction of hEdit bringing by her vacum for me to borrow as she suggested last week. Why IDK why she thinks I want to vaccum but she was sorta highly reccomending i borrow her vaccum and mines perfectly fine for what I have. Okay so sadly floors trigger me. I turn into a whole nother beast when you ask me to sweep vaccum or mop. These are skills I embarssly dont have and I literlly never could put it all together how to make the dam things work. Maybe I've always been overwhlemd maybe its the autism but m vision isn't helping either and I'm scared shitlless she's gonna bring her vaccum and sit here with me while I use it. I'm litterally gonna cry. So origringly the first time and the pregancy center in like 2014 with HBet's group one thing I was asked to do was sweet omg I was a wreck I remebr standing in the corner crying its redioulous. Okay so floors are outside of my comfort zone but what's also stirring the pot is why when I tell my friends or people things are fine I feel like im never good enough and like I am pushed to consdier their option like noone likes my furinture most people wanna upgrade my washer. I just feel like a failure and unaaceptable. It like im a square in a circle world not that I dont value input but sopmething missing when I cant express that hey I'm cool with what is. This is me. I feel like it's not accepted or misunderstood but maybe I just feel that way but literly I"m having a heartatack over the vaccum and while thats not easy to exsplain and seems unreasonable theres no fixing it. I dont know how to properly interact with people so I
'm not consitantly in these uncomfortable situations. There are plenty of autistic people who vaccum so I cant say ooh Im autistic . Its just I'm overwhelmed. how do I exsplain that in a way that is respected? so if I was to die today Id want people to know the inner turmoil and trials bc I dont want to leave anyone who has been a blessing think I resent them personally its me. Plus maybe mysteries will be solved why do I have to be like this I'm sorry I'm rude . I dont have to be rude even when I'm overwhelmed and I"m trying but it is true I lack self control and I dont know if anyone truy knows what its like to feel like nothing u can say or do will make anysence out the sitution to the person your trying to express your point too . Its also embarrasing bc simple things right shouldnt make you cry. Im ashamed that I dont function im embarsed that no matter what I do my dishes arnt clean. I happen to think that my clothes washer is practical and I preffer no techology. My furniture was for me I had no idea I was gonna have company but I also Dont see why people dont see a place to sit. As if moving throw pillows would be an insult or a bean bag chair isnt good enough to sit on? I also have a 3 seater couch one end is the lounge thing but the rest is a couch. Someone please exsplain to me why noone can find a seat in here I have to gret bar stools people even envy them but yet the same people who compliment them can come in and ask where do I sit. wth is that not a seat? Anyhow I just got inspired to bring out my outside chair and side table and give that too a spot in the living room plus comany should be here at around 930. Anyhwo if I die please know I dont wanna be this way I dont enjoy it and maybe I'm more frustrated with me than you are. On the other hand it is hurtful to feel rejected and not good enough all the time and maybe somethings people do or say heck even me knowingly or unknownly are hurtgul to the soul so maybe we can all pay more attention to our suggestions and cristims and well maybe for me my complaining can chill out and I need self control


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