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Queen of Summer
I dreamt about A; that I was texting him, and that I was even sitting with him and his friends. He was telling me I was his best friend and that he wants me with him and I was going over the scenario that we can't be more than just friends. There was also the thought that besides C, my parents would never approve of him. It felt like I wasn't too bothered by C disapproving in the dream. Maybe that's leftover anger from our talk last night. It wasn't pleasant as such. I woke up with the feeling that I miss A but I was also so unbelievably relieved that I don't speak to him anymore. To be specific, that we don't have to keep going through the cycle of me rejecting him because we simply can't be together. It's probably just because his birthday is coming up. I'm just bothered because I know I won't be able to acknowledge it.
I wonder just how much he hates me out there. Best not to think about that. He'll just add me to his list of girls he used to love. And he'll keep going through that with women until he sees how to stay with one woman he's supposed to change for, or accept himself as he is altogether. Who am I to talk, anyway? I just hope he's okay.
The plan wasn't to write an entry like this. It was meant to be more positive, more insightful, but the past week was difficult. It started with a series of headaches induced by bad sleep, then things like lack of confidence kicked in and the growing awareness that the people around me don't actually care to notice to take care of me. And I know it's cringey to say and to read this, because I grew up with the notion that I have to make myself visible and demand help from others. So it's quite petty to sit silently and upset waiting for others to notice me. Except it's not what I'm doing. I don't sulk around in a corner waiting for people to notice. It's more like I slipped and fell into a hole and I'm too weak to yell for help. Sometimes I just don't have the energy. Sometimes I'm just so tired of carrying around my own insecurities and fighting them that I wish someone else would take some of the burden off, reassure me, comfort me, anything small really, just to see that someone did notice when I was gone, or that someone does care about whether I can't smile or not. And I know that's incredibly selfish so I bottle it up and I don't talk about it because when I do, I'll only get blamed. Truthfully, I expect this from one person in particular and he doesn't seem to share that sentimentality. He doesn't have the same awareness to the sensitive moments in which I can be vulnerable and unreasonable.
What it comes down to it is that I still feel tired, lonely, and sad. And no matter how hard I try to work through it myself, to feed off my own energy, there's just one person who can help me feel better. He's just not here.
I drew the Queen of Cups from my tarot card today. You'd be amused to learn that she's the INFJ persona. Loving, comforting, emotional, intuitive, whose attention everyone wants because she brings happiness, but she doesn't always get the same energy she sends out. Am I deluded and self-absorbed to see myself as that persona? Maybe in the eyes of others I'll never be doing enough. Where on earth am I going to get energy back then? Where can I find nourishment?