If I die today
what happened with santa
This morning not much to know same same. There was some noise in the apartments traffic but it was olny about 6pm so whatever and literally all I know for sure is there was noise so not much can do or say about it. It was excessice thou and pretty obvious that something happened that couldn't have been good. but whatevers. I have not yet called my sister I really have a lot to say but I also well I'm an idiot and its so easy to get arrongant and prideful and be a know it all and thats soo not helpful . Also I really dont know the situation her side of whats up bc we know mom can mispercieve things or misrepresent them or I can misinterupt what I'm being told as well. So much room for human error I dont wanna send anyone down the wrong weird path. With eMik NNel I liedgit was trying to help and I'm cool with weird shit and spirtual battles and I know a little but I think I got carried away with the demon hunting and witchcraft ducking so to speak. Im not a great help without love I think most the time I try to help people for my own sastifaction and good deed without a dam care about them. Plus I have hero syndrom believe it or not as messed up as I am and dysfucntional somehow in my own peabrain I am convicned I will rescue you ... I will make things right puff up my self righteous chest and do something. Right? Who am I kidding but thats my ego true story.. So anyhow I've always wanted to be a hero this bothers me from ages ago I managed the Santa set at christmas time at the mall I was like 25 or 26years old. So we had this one santa everyone disliked except the boss and he was a fake looking santa and a fake beard too. So anyone one day outta the clea blue workign with him a family came and there was more than one child but one of them was a little boy and when he sat that boy on his lap I heard (yes this is what I lbelieve(d) I heard) him say "this is not sex here" So right I'm gonna be a hero we did the pics and like some sorta sneeky super character I whisiper to my staff a hero phrase "anything they want take caree of that family" and course I clued them in.. Even thou this doesnt all make sence its what I belived so I ran off called my regonal manager and of course it was a big ordeal yeah he was removed and terminated not too sooner than me .. So anyhow it has bothered me for a looong time and finally Within the past months I've been praying on it to but anyhow it occured to me "this is not SET here" I may have heard something but not what I think it was . I feel like a jerk I always have about it but I also always wanted something to happen so I can protect the people right? So I'm super sorry about all that and can never make it right but its still disturbing to me. so today I beleive that he may said "this is not set here" and somehow that processed in my ears to my brain as this isn't sex. It sucks but that life I suppose and I wouldn't accuse anyone again without really considering if I could be wrong. For me that inident weighs on me so i'm pretty content with just putting that out there should I die today least the innocent people can be free of giult and all the peoeple I put to shame or embarssed can maybe cope with my stupidy and error and maybe forgive me.