chae

from my heart
Ad 2:
2021-01-24 00:44:01 (UTC)

day by day

12:44 am

today, i cried twice. once was on the way to work. i try my best to make my mom happy and proud. sometimes even though i improve, she just tells me how i am still lacking. i used to get mad at her for not seeing or acknowledging the fact that i am trying. nowadays, i just tell her that "im sorry, i didnt mean to be that way" and try to move on. it does hurt but i dont say it out loud. i just try to be better.

we were talking in the car and she was complaining to me about my lackings. i dont really remember our conversation much but i remember crying. tears just kept flowing out of my eyes because i felt very sad. i had to pull myself together and go to work.

throughout the day today, i had unpleasant thoughts. i just wanted to disappear. i am not sure why i felt that way. i think its because i want be missed. i want somebody to tell me that they care about me and love me very much. the thing with wanting to feel loved and cared about is that you cannot beg for it. you cannot go seek for it. it comes to you and sometimes it also leaves.

i try my best to be good. i am proud of myself. i am proud of the person i am becoming and i am okay with being sad too.

unknowingly, i found myself wishing that i would not be alive. i felt very lonely.

i saw a reservation for tomorrow. it was one of the customers that i really like. the first time she came to the restaurant, she came with her friend and she was getting engaged. i was so excited for her. i was so happy for her. i thought about my ex and i too during that time. i thought we would get married.

after that, she came with her husband a few times. i always felt so happy to see her. last time she came, i gave her and her husband macarons. sometimes, you just want to give. she would always tell me not to work too hard because back then, i would work so much. i always smile and laugh at work but there were times when i would feel very sad too. when she would give me small words on encouragement, i felt understood even though we barely know each other.

so today, when i saw that she made a reservation for tomorrow, i felt so happy. its going to be their anniversary.

when i came home today, i saw a text message from my mom. she apologized to me for telling me that i am lacking when i am trying. she said that she loves me so much and i cried. that was my second time crying today but it was because i felt happy. i felt happy because i felt understood.

i feel selfish for wishing that sometimes i would not be alive. i dont think that you need a long term reason to live in life. it was the reservation from a customer and a message from my mother that made me want to continue living today


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