Justwhatever

Sadnant
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2021-01-23 16:50:33 (UTC)

Thinking about the Dr that ..

Thinking about the Dr that would've been my therapist if I had responded to the letter years ago. The one that was like "People online can encourage you to hurt yourself" and "you can be cyber bullied." I know, letting dumb shit live rent-free in my head. But I'm mad that I probably came across as insolent when I just didn't know where to begin with just how fucking stupid and patronising that whole statement was.

It's not just he "explained" that cyber-bullying was a thing. I suppose maybe I'd said something about how I've spent most of my time online since I was 10 (and probably especially since I was 18, with no educational institutions to ground me in fleshspace) and so he assumed I must be part of something. (What, you got some edgy Goth in your group that's part of pro-ana tumblr or something and I remind you of them? Alas I'll never know lol)

I think it's because in the last episode of 'The Lolita Podcast' by Jamie Loftus, she talks about online Lolita/Dolores/Nymphet fan communities, and I refer to a certain unfortunate phase of my life as my 'nymphet phase'; but I was (and am) alone in it. If only I'd been part of an explicitly anti-pedo community like what she talks about.

I've never really been part of a community. Not as a Marilyn Manson obsessed tween, or on Vampire Freaks, or those paedo-filled anime proboard forums. I'm not even really part of the body modification community.

I do feel I'm part of my local BDSM community though. And maybe the Alt community in general. That's all very recent though, and it mostly relies on IRL, so as it is it's...

I mean you'd think as an autist who's spent so much time online that I'd have an online community. perhaps I do technically, but there's not like, a group or cause that I feel I'm meaningfully a part of online. I wish I did but my ID is too fragile to survive that disconnect between flesh beings, or something like that (OK Lain.) Or I just can't connect with words on a screen, or putting on an obvious act. Entertainers, made-up characters.

Some people I've never met IRL feel real to me, because I can see their faces and they share their lives openly enough. Cricket is one of the very few that I "follow" beyond her works, but she doesn't really bother with that whole thing of building a brand and followers and what have you, she just broadcasts her life and thoughts and her work same as everyone does.
Maybe Lucian is another, but I'm also a single degree of separation from him now, so.

***

I've drawn a little bit. Yay for ADHD meds. I'm going to try and draw a little bit every day, let's see how long this lasts lol.

I should probably do more creative writing as well, although only having my phone to do it is a bit of a pain. Maybe I should do it the old-fashioned way with pen and paper lol


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